THE PRESIDENT: Good evening, America. Thank you for letting me interrupt your Sunday night TV advertising and Hungry Man Salisbury Steak buffets to talk at you about something dear to my heart: money, and its reallocation into my buddies' pocketbooks. Now, I want you all to stare into my steely peepers and have a good listen while I ramble on about – what else? – September 11th, terrorism, and that sweetheart hugga-bear abstraction called "freedom" – ad nauseum references to which deflect political bullets almost as good as a custom-made kevlar Stetson.

You know it's hard to believe it's been over four whole months since I appeared on the USS Lincoln and told everyone how Iraq is now our bitch. Well as we all know, bitches can get real ornery, especially when you don't blow your whole paycheck and max out your VISA card on them. That's why today, despite the fact that almost one in ten Americans is unemployed and we've got a fiscal China Syndrome going down at the Treasury Building, it's my pleasure to announce a plan to mollify Lady Iraq by tossing her a teeny-tiny bit of bling-bling.

$87 Billion dollars. It's a noble expenditure of mere pocket change – and it's all for Iraq. Of course, in around six months, I'll need to adjust that figure upward to $140 Billion or so, but for now, just stay focused on the paltry $87 Billion, which Halliburton will burn through while repeatedly patching up all that stuff we used to bomb over there, but now the Iraqazoids like bombing themselves.

Now before any Democrats start screaming about how American schools and roads and electricity grids are crumbling too, let me just say... "Freedom." Freedom, freedom, FREEDOM! And if I don't blow this wad of cash into the non-quagmire vortex of post-Saddam Iraq, every last American will cease to know freedom. Indeed, we will all wake up one morning, and when we go to slip into our Freedom Levis and star-spangled Reebok cross-trainers, sabre-weilding Mullahs will materialize out of thin air and force our sweet blue-eyed families to wear table cloths and camel leather sandals.

$87 Billion Dollars. $87 Billion American Dollars. $87 Billion American Dollars which just miraculously pour in the United States' coffers without so much as a single tax being levied – especially not against our beleaguered millionaire class and long-persecuted multinational corporate conglomerates.

But back to September 11th. I'm pleased to hear that 70% of you are so piss-ignorant that you continue to think that has anything to do with Iraq. That's why polls keep indicating that Americans are so gosh-darned PSYCHED about how we are KICKING SUCH MAJOR ASS. Because – all those dead American teenage GIs notwithstanding – we're winning BIG over there! In fact, according to the geopolitical wet dreams of my blue ribbon caste of well-manicured, droning neoconservative Think Tank golfing partners, we are right on course in Iraq. And in a few years, once we've bombed the entire Middle East back three hundred years, we can rebuild that entire hunk of the Earth from scratch. First thing we'll do is expel all Semites and re-populate that gorgeous oil sponge of a non-continent with, I dunno, the peaceful, amiable Dutch!

Oh, and by the way, remember Afghanistan? That other dump we decimated and then walked away from a year and a half ago? Well, it seems there are nine weaseley Democratic candidates who have recently been traitorously impudent enough to point out what a failure that's been, too. So I want to take a moment to just mention it – so it seems like I'm actually doing something over there. Afghanistan. Afff-GHAN-isss-TAN. So remember, you heard it here.

Have I mentioned September 11th yet? Probably not. Did you know it's been just shy of two years since that terrible day which turned my Presidency around? And since then – thanks to me – there has not been a single instance of four planes being hijacked and flown into buildings. And so long as we keep noodling around in Iraq, that will continue to remain the case up until the very last moment before it happens again – at which point it will be Bill Clinton's fault!

Thank you, and good night.

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