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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - September 2, 2003 - 12:22 P.M. (EST)

SUMMER CONCLUDED, PRESIDENT BUSH REVELS IN AMERICA'S UNEQUIVOCAL VICTORY OVER TYRANNY AND PANDEMONIUM IN THE NEW & IMPROVED IRAQ
Press Briefing by the President

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. I hope you four-eyed press spazzes missed me this past month while I was kicking back in the Promised Land of Tejas – where men are men, and womenfolk make biscuits and put out with the clang of a cow bell. Did y'all see me kicking ass on those cedar trees in my back yard? Think John Kerry could clear brush like that? No sir – he'd prick his dainty little fingers, then cry like a bitch who bleeds milk and perfume.

Now I might be smirkin' at you pencil munching puke stains, but I am one unhappy cowpoke about having to mosey back here to this marble latrine of a non-city to talk at you. The great thing about Crawford is it's so remote, it's easy to control vermin like you who think the American people want the "truth." Hell, a few of them voted for me. That's the only truth you donkey cum-guzzling socialist media ass-waxing fairy fatsos need to report.

Now on to important crapola: Iraq. Everything is going turbo-perfecto over there, let me tell you. Patriotic prophets like Paul Wolfowitz were right when they predicted that we could squelch the specter of Muslamianistic terror by rolling up our sleeves, and giving it to those Comanche sand niggers right on their own front porch!

We are winning the Iraq war that ended in May. Let there be no doubt. You hysterical girl scouts in the press spend all your time reporting about massive infrastructure sabotage and a measly four or five car bombs that killed some Godless clerics, UN bureaucrats, and blah blah blah. Why don't you report on the thousands of cars that are totally NOT exploding in Iraq, huh?

You report about guerilla warfare and resistance from Baathist sympathizers. But do you report on the piles and piles of dead Iraqi bad guys? I mean, we could build two or three exact replicas of the Washington Monument out of the bones of all the festering mustachioed carcasses that Rummy's Rumblers have fragged.

Sure, huge swaths of Baghdad are without power and water. But we are providing free oil showers to anyone without electricity or running water. On top of that, the all-American multinational stomach filler corporation McDonalds has donated thousands of almost non-rancid McRib pork sandwiches to our Islamiac brothers. And by "Islamiac brothers," I mean any towelhead who reflexively faints in fear whenever he hears the CLACKCLACK of a scared silly, all-American 19 year-old GI Bill killing machine.

As you know, we are pursuing help from the, gulp, the United Nations. This is not because we made various tactical, arrogant, and irrationally idealistic decisions concerning this jihad… but rather, the more UN workers on the ground, means more targets, thus deflecting angry bullets from our boys, who are busy trying to collect ear lobes, nose tops, and fingernails as war trophies. You know how much a pouch of Iraqi Republican Guard foreskin jerky goes for on the ol' eBay these days?

Lots of you smarty pants accuse my administration of trying to make America an Empire. We're not an Empire. That flies in the face of the rugged soul of individuality and the respect of freedom Americans treasure. We just want to leverage our vast military might to subjugate and conquer sub-human peoples who are too stupid to thank us for exploiting their country and steamrolling their primitive cultures.

And so today, as I head back to work here in the teeming intestinal slurry that is Washington DC, I'm here to challenge you press folks to gaze deep into the eyes of real Americans through your glass screens, cathode tubes, and hundreds of miles of cable to say, "You may be broke, but at least you're not dead from A-rabonic plague."

Thank you, and good day.

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