REPUDIATING THE MYTH OF NIGERGATE: PRESIDENT'S STATEMENT REASSURING AMERICANS HE WOULD NEVER MISLEAD THEM ABOUT HOT & SLOPPY OVAL OFFICE HUMMERS
Statement by the President
THE PRESIDENT: My fellow Americans. In recent days, I have looked on in bewildered rage as the non-FOX news media has
virtually ignored all my fabulously-produced photo ops in favor of twisting its liberal Jewish panties into a musty wad over 16 lousy
words in my 2003 State of the Union address – something about the Iraqazoids buying nukular stuff from Nigerstan.
And while they're not saying it outright, what the press is implying is that I personally manipulated intelligence to
whip the country into a bloodthirsty, Iraq-invading frenzy. That's right – these so-called "journalist" cockroaches are suggesting
I was so obsessed with toppling Saddam Hussein,
that I'd even be willing to play fast and loose with the facts and kill a few thousand people – including hundreds
or our own disposable military grunts. Now why on Earth would I ever cravenly lie like that? Why on Earth would I give a monomaniacally fixated rat's ass
about that dirty sand coon Saddam Hussein?
Nevertheless, people are saying what they're saying, and so I wanted to take this opportunity to personally
assure the good people of America that I have not and will not ever mislead them about getting a hot & sloppy Oval Office hummer.
In these days of uncertainty, continued economic stagnation, and historic deficits and unemployment, I will not lie about mouth-scrogging
a chunky intern. As America's reputation takes a one-way Jet-Ski vacation with the Ty-D-Bol Man, I will not mince words about
getting my chorizo nibbled. And as a whole new generation of young Americans settles in to their own Vietnam-like bloodbath,
I pledge to never, ever sully the sanctity of the Presidency by denying a few extramarital blowjobs & soggy cigars.
Anyway, it should go without saying that this single disputed claim about uranium vanilla cake isn't the only reason I decided to
flip the bird to the rest of the world, storm in there, and grab all that oil. We had loads of other crackerjack intelligence, all
of which we've been openly sharing with the public for the past year:
So there you have it. I'm confident this will put to rest all this silly "Niggergate" and "impeachment" talk. Because
you know, where there's smoke, there isn't always fire.
I mean, the Democrats are making a big to-do about crapola. Georgie Tenet's brief syphilitic brain aneurysm and swift,
full recovery was unfortunate, sure. But why split hairs? Niger, Syria, North Carolina, Korea or whatever, Saddam
was gunning for all you folk who want nothing more than to steam over to Costco and buy barrels of mayonnaise
without coming down with a nukular skin rash. And let me remind those in the Jackass Party – you all were hot and horny for some
poll-boosting War Cock back when, and now you're looking mighty desperate trying to sew your Peace cherry back up
between those trembling pinko thighs of yours.
In closing, to the five or six dozen people in the whole world who might still be hung up on those 16 Words, well I've
got 16 more for you: "It don't matter hooey where Saddammit was gonna maybe get his nukular fuel, but he was."
Thank you, and God Bless.
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White House Information:
