THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Please be seated. Senators, House Representatives, assembled Congressional lobbyists and hangers-on, today I come to you to follow up on that position paper I had my people sneak over here yesterday as quietly as possible.

As you well know, I have been tireless in my efforts to hand over taxpayer dollars to Christian organizations as part of my larger Faith-Based and Community Initiatives program for irreversibly collapsing the so-called Federal safety net - AKA "juicy handouts to lazy, good-for-nothing coloreds." (Applause.)

And I'm happy to say that we're making great progress, having already disbursed BILLIONS in grants to deserving Christian Scientists and faith-healers. But there's still a big problem, and that's what I want to talk to you about. Gentlemen, did you know that in many states and localities, misguided laws are preventing America's glorious faith-based organizations from practicing their Jesus-given right to tell homos and worshippers of false gods to go eat shit and die? (Gasps.)

It's true. Liberals say that just because they're accepting money from the taxpayers, that they actually have to hire just any old taxpayer - that they can't practice Federally-sanctioned hiring discrimination. Well I say nuts to that! All faith-based and community organizations are inherently exclusive. They're about people coming together to embrace some arbitrary element of sameness. And that's what makes America better than all those other loser countries. So if we go telling fundamentalist Christian groups that they can't discriminate against faggots and miscellaneous hellbound unbelievers, then what's the use in them having their little club in the first place?

For instance, say you've got a club called "Our Sacred Lady of the Rapid-Fire AK-47," and that club is all about guys getting together to blow away worthless critters like squirrels and possums with their AK-47s. Now pretend we give that same club millions in taxpayer dollars to run, say... a soup kitchen. Now are you going to tell the people in that club that they have to hire any old person to work in that soup kitchen - or worse yet, someone who eschews AK-47s in favor of slashing open the throats of his prey with a boring old serrated bowie knife? Hell no! (Applause.)

That would be like telling the Ku Klux Klan that just because they're eligible under my plan to accept a fortune in federal funds, that they have to start taking their sheets to one of them chinky laundry joints. (Boos.)

That would be like telling the Christian state of Texas that if they want their trough to keep filling up with porkalicious military contracts, they shouldn't righteously chain uppity coloreds to the bumpers of their Ford 150's and drag them for miles over highways strewn with broken bottles of Bud. (Boos.)

That would be like telling a state university dependant on Federal funds that they can't give poor students a chance at an education and should admit students based purely on breeding, athletic ability, and high SAT scores purchased by Mummy and Father. (Murmurs.)

Wait, no, not that last one. But you know what I mean! (Applause.)

In closing, let me remind you that I speak often of the need to end our government's "discrimination" against Religious groups. Of course, that's just me hijacking politically correct crybaby talk and using it as a creative euphemism for "let's liquefy the separation of church and state." But today, I urge you to end another kind of discrimination - specifically, our discrimination against discrimination by discriminators masquerading as discriminatees. (Applause.)

And inasmuch as the Christian Right paid for the campaigns of the entire Republican majority, I trust you will do it post haste. Thank you.

(Applause.)

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