PRESIDENT RELEASES NEWLY RECOVERED WARZONE DOCUMENTS OFFERING INCONTROVERTIBLE PROOF OF IRAQI ACQUISITION OF WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
Statement by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Today, I'm taking just a few minutes off from scarfing down pork rinds at my
daddy's 79th birthday party to bring glorious news to the American people. After months and months of
fruitlessly scouring the charred carcass of Iraq for some shred of evidence to justify my killing
more innocent civilians than died on 9/11, I'm pleased to say that documents newly recovered
from Saddam bin Hussein's safe prove
beyond a shadow of a doubt that this nefarious evildoer was actively scheming with rogue regimes to acquire vast quantities of WMDs. And while I have not had an opportunity to examine the papers myself, I have the utmost faith in the
competence of those persons in the Central Intelligence Agency to whom I delegated the task of covering my ass.
Therefore, I have ordered these documents to be released immediately. I trust that they will appease the crybaby
liberal news media, and effectively debunk any absurd speculation about my Administration and the DoD's Constitutionally
suspect Intelligence Office having bullied Georgie Peorgie Tenet and his chubby office jockeys into falsifying reports of
Iraqi WMDs just so I could settle a family score. Thank you.