THE PRESIDENT: My fellow Yale 68'ers, welcome to the Gamma Omega Pi fraternity HQ we like to call the White House! Five, six, seven eight - who do we appreciate?

CLASS OF '68: BULLDOGS! BULLDOGS! BULLDOGS!

THE PRESIDENT: That's right! How the hell are you boys? It's great to see you. Make yourselves comfy. Mi Casa Blanca es tu Casa Blanca. And I don't mean that figuratively either. Because without your vast personal fortunes earned off the stooped backs of state-schooled, luggage-hued insect people, the humble "C" student you see standing before you would still be slumming it with those sorry-assed rodeo monkeys back in Texas. (Applause.)

I really appreciate you boys coming down here and saving me the trip up to New Haven. Sorry for the inconvenience, but because Karl has invested a boatload of time in passing me off as coming from the heartland, he won't - excuse me, don't - let me be photographed in my blue-blooded Connecticut birthplace. True, I know today won't be the same without group projectile vomiting in the trough urinal at Mory's Temple Bar, but I've cooked up a little reunion itinerary that I think y'all are gonna enjoy anyhoo. So let's hit it!

(Executes Flawless Presidential Back Flip After Farting Into a Cheerleader's Megaphone.)

CLASS OF '68: Boola boola! Boola boola! Boola boola!

YALE CLASS OF 1968 WHITE HOUSE REUNION ITINERARY 9:00 am Opening Prayer to the giver of all wealth and hereditary advantage that helps us beat the poor and poorly connected at this game we call life, the Lord Jesus Christ 9:05 am Tap O'Doul's® Keg 9:07 am Spike O'Douls® w/ Everclear® (SHHHHHH!) 9:10 am Anheuser Bush® Sponsored Sixpack Funneling Olympics 11:30 am Roundtable: War Profiteering & Influence Peddling: Am I Being Left Behind? 12:00 pm $1,000/plate Oscar Myer® Cheesedog Picnic Lunch 1:00 pm Pin the Tail on the Wetbacks Working on the Rose Garden Flowerbeds 1:30 pm Illuminati Tug of War 2:00 pm East Wing Secretarial Pool Panty Raid 2:30 pm Whiny Homo Liberal Harvard Academic Dunk & Debasement 3:00 pm Skull and Bones Ceremonial Revelry; Lincoln Bedroom Elephant Walk & Soggy Biscuit Tournament 3:30 pm Group Discussion: Excessive Ill-Gotten Wealth & Power - "Is Enough Ever Really Enough?" 4:00 pm Dick Cheney Anal Chug Extravaganza 4:30 pm Bible Reading and Moment of Overt, Public Prayer 4:31 pm Jell-O® Shooters 5:30 pm $9,000/plate All-You-Can-Eat Domino's® Stuffed Crust, Swanson® Hungry ManTM Salisbury Steak and Laura's Cowboy Cookies 6:40 pm French DOMESTIC 150-year-old Napoleon Brandy and Havanas 100% LEGAL Cigars With Labels Accidentally Removed 6:50 pm Recess to Vomit and Change 7:00 pm CONCERT: Campus A Cappella Sensations The Whiffenpoofs Present: The Complete Patriotic Works of Poet Laureate Lee Greenwood 10:45 pm Open 1968 Time Capsule: Drop CIA-Grade LSD 25 Stashed in Moldy Copy of Le Petit Prince 11:00 pm Teepee the North Lawn 11:30 pm Bonfire & Naked Same-Sex Hot Oil Square Dancing 1:00 am All-Night Power Rave With Your Hostesses Jenna and Barbara 2:00 am Coccyx-Shattering Marathon Team Wedgie on Oliver Stone 4:00 am After-After-Hours Tittyfest at Camelot 7:00 am Sunrise Farewell Circle-Jerk

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