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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - May 14, 2003 - 2:19 P.M. (EST)

Statement by the President

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Please be seated.

Today, as we continue to rejoice and thank Jesus for giving us the power to take a thousand megaton flyswatter to those Iraqazoid cockroaches masquerading as human beings, I am nevertheless sorry to say that we're now facing a little bit of a challenge over there in Texraq. Unbelievable it as it may seem, just weeks after we selflessly catapulted them from life under a mean old dictator to life in a Bible-based apocalyptic war zone, and then on to life in an authority vacuum of anarchy, rape, and pillaging – these ungrateful SOB's have stopped picking the lice out of each others' beards long enough to start asking for "autonomy" – which is some fancy liberal word that means "freedom." You heard me – we go through all the trouble to free their oil fields, and now they actually want to be free!


Worst of all, from the pictures I'm seeing, most Iraqasauruses want to be ruled over by a bunch of kiddie-porking boy-humpers – like this Mohammed Baqir al-Hakim in the picture here – who call themselves "Shi'ite Ayatollahs." To which all I can say is, "Shi'ite! If Ayatollah you once, Ayatollah you a thousand times – we're gonna do whatever the heck I think the Holy Bible wants me to do with this new little playtoy country of mine." I mean, we're only halfway through awarding a few zillion dollars in "rebuilding" contracts to all my dad's bestest corporate pals. And my friends, I will not allow noble American colonialism to be subverted – especially not by some towel-headed Shi'ite-for-brains who's so shameless, he'll even let himself be photographed tongue-flossing the falafel bits out of whatever boy-toy of the day he happens to be diddling.

Now as any expert on the myth of Ismanian stuff will tell you, Shiism – which is Farsiac for "NAMBLA" – was created by Mohammed's halfwit brother-in-law Ali – not to be confused with that big stuttering colored fella who used to box. Seems this Ali wanted to take over the family cult, but no one would let him, so he started his own little sub-cult. It's like if my wife Laura had a brother, and he was dumb enough to think that I would support him instead of Jeb in 2008, and so I had him killed. I guess in some ways, you could say that these Shi'ite Assahollahs are the Arabiac version of Dan Quayle supporters. Whiney, dumb, and loud – but real pugnatious little pig fuckers.

Now don't get me wrong and go calling fatwah on me here. Of course, I'm all in favor of theocracies. Why, I'm doing my very best to create one right here at home. But these Shiazians need to be stopped. I mean, they've already got Iran. What good is another few million acres of desert armpit starting in "Ira" going to do for them? Which reminds me, if there was one good thing about Saddam Hussein – aside from him being a hard-drinking secular opportunist who excelled at invoking God for purely political gain – it was that he knew how to give the super-permanent-smackdown to turban-wearing loonies from Iranastan. It's no wonder my daddy and Uncle Donny Rumsfeld propped him up with millions of dollars and a whole arsenal of chemical weapons. But that was then.

Today, as part of America's long-term, sacred mission to keep Iraq under our thumb, it's essential that we become aggressively pro-active in getting all these sand people converted to Christianity as quickly as possible. And that's why, effective immediately, I have declared the Reverend Franklin Graham to succeed General Tommy Franks and L. Paul Bremer as the All-Supreme Commander of Iraq. If anyone knows how to lead these folks to Jesus, it's Brother Franklin.

So to all you newly freed police state residents over there, just drop your sarongs, bend over the hood of the nearest smart-bombed ambulance, and prepare to be mounted – because you know, Arabiac people are really no different from Arabiac horses. Left to their own devices, they're an unkempt, naturally violent, inferior, and near-worthless breed. But I've done enough horse-breeding to know that if you put a good American mustang stallion in the stable with an Arabian sand mare, you rest assured that he'll pump and holy hump her till he shoots out a load of super-productive, ultra-submissive, Jesus-lovin' young'uns. And my friends, I am confident that the Reverend Graham is Iraq's very own Mr. Ed of salvation. That's that "talkin' horse" fella from when they made good TV shows.


Thank you, and good day.


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