THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. It's a real pleasure to have you liberal press boys out on the links with me, and to smell your pasty white skin blister and sizzle like Jimmy Dean sausage here under the ozone-free New Mexico sky. If our dog Barney were here, he'd probably be trying to lick most of you. Unfortunately, my little black buddy's not allowed on any of the good courses.

(Laughter.)

Anyway, it's real nice being here in Santa Fe. As you know, me and Laura are pleased to once again be accepting the hospitality of my good pal Roland Betts. Me and old Rolo go way back – all the way to my first year in DKE. You know he was my Yale Pledge Master. And as any Hell Week survivor will tell you, you share a special experience with your Pledge Master. Indeed, whether he's forcefeeding you the Jägermeister Jell-O shots that send you into your sixth alcohol poisoning blackout of the week, or viciously spanking your bare, defenseless, beer-drenched ass with his doughy Ivy Leage paw, you never forget the fraternal bond you forge with the fella who used threats of physical violence and social ostracism to browbeat you into publicly masturbating onto a stale Saltine.

But you know, old Rolo wasn't like the other Pledge Masters. He was especially decent and merciful. I remember one time, I'd been lying hogtied naked in a kiddie pool of the brothers' combined vomit and urine for almost seventy-two hours straight, and it was all I could do to hold my head high enough to keep from drowning. Well old Rolo saw that I was about to pass out, and he was decent enough bring me a snorkel so I could lie down flat and take a little nap. That's good people right there.

So it was no surprise to me when years later, my old bud Roland came to the rescue once again. It was 1989, and after 15 years in the energy business, I was still an abject failure. So I called up Rolo one day and was all, "Man I'm screwed. This Harken Oil gig of mine is going south fast. And while I'm gearing up to unload my stock for a turbo-juicy $800K profit a week before we announce a $23.2 million quarterly loss, I'm still gonna need a new sure thing. Can you help a guy out, bro?"

Well Roland wasted no time in bringing me in the loop on this little Texas Rangers baseball team deal he was cooking. I dumped in just $600K of the free cash I sucked out of Harken before it shit the bed, and just five years later, pulled out a cool $14.9 million. Man that was sweet – a 2500% ROI. And Hillary Clinton thought she was making a killing with that piddly $100K in the futures market. I mean, that bitch couldn't cook a good book if it was made out of Velveeta.

Anyway, that's my boy Rolo for you. Always good for making millions of dollars appear out of thin air – no strings attached. And that's why it's a real pleasure to be here today. Besides, I so enjoy any opportunity to get away from Washington DC and that whole "work" thing all those East Coast intellectuals get so hung up on. Hell, I'm so relaxed, I'll even take a couple non-scripted questions. You, over there.

Q: Mr. President, how do you react to recent figures indicating that at 6%, unemployment has reached epidemic levels, nearly surpassing the jobless crisis sparked by the Reagan Administration's first attempt to implement the same "trickle down" economic policies you're attempting to revive today?

THE PRESIDENT: Unemployment, huh? Did you know that you're the first reporter to ask about that since way back before coward terrorists came and made all real patriots too afraid to worry about boring stuff like being poor and unemployed? You must really hate America.

Q: No, sir. Would you mind answering my question, sir?

THE PRESIDENT: Yeah, well, I um... feel for all those... people... who um... are not... like, rich. It must be... hard. Like, being all poor. And not... born rich. And having to be... probably colored and stuff. I mean I guess. Next question.

Q: Regarding the dividend tax cuts – don't they benefit only those who derive significant percentages of their annual income from investments, not the majority of Americans whose investments are limited to retirement plans and 401Ks? And aren't your other cuts just bald-faced cop-outs and payoffs to corporations? How does your tax cut benefit average, working Americans?

THE PRESIDENT: My tax cut will create jobs! It will create jobs in competitive employment sectors like yacht repair, Waterford crystal dish washers, limousine drivers, elevator operators, sweatshop workers, caterers, prostitutes, and harvesting Soylent Green!

Q: But sir!

THE PRESIDENT: Son – the press conference is over. No more questions. This is a private, exclusive club – so it's best you press boys start running for the parking lot, because they're releasing the Dobermans at this very minute. Meanwhile, I'm a-gonna go play me some more golf. Check you later.

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