THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Please be seated. Today it is my pleasure and honor to announce the appointment of former Secretary of Education and Book of Virtues author William J. Bennett as the United States Slots Czar. In his role overseeing the Office of National High Roller's Protection Policy, Dr. Bennett will be launching a ferocious new offensive in America's War on the House Edge in both Indian and normal-people casinos throughout the land. Let's give him a warm Player's Club welcome.

(Applause.)

I have some complimentary cocktail coupons and a free upgrade to the Lincoln bedroom to make you feel right at home, sir.

(Laughter.)

Now as a tiny minority of news nerds may have noticed, certain non-FOX, America-hating reporters have been practicing a type of yellow journalism that favors fact over flag in a shameless attempt to suggest that Bill Bennett is a gluttonous hypocrite just because he does a wee bit of harmless gambling on the side. You know, that is the same type of annoying, killjoy crap they pulled on me for sending some of my fellow members of the Texas Cocaine Appreciation Society to the big house while I was Governor. Utter nonsense! At the heart of Bill's personal philosophy of moral superiority has always been the maxim "everything in moderation." And who better to endorse that than a morbidly obese chain-smoker who flushes almost a million smackaroos a year down casino toilets? Sheesh! If you ask me, those liberals could really use a little snort or five of reality crank. I mean, the way they talk about it, you'd think he went and did something really horribly criminal - like getting a blowjob from a chunky Jew-girl intern!

Now eight million dollars may be a lot of chips to most of you losers out there, but to folks like Bill and me, who are able to parlay our political connections into enough cash to pay for even the worlds' most expensive vices, it's really no different than some colored guy blowing his wife's asthma medication money on a handful of Lotto tickets.

People need to understand that Bill Bennett's appointment is in keeping with my agenda of appearing to adhere to only the very highest simulated ethical standards when staffing my administration. I offered Henry "The Butcher of Cambodia" Kissinger a sweet gig in suppressing any embarrassing stuff about how I played ranch hand in Texas for a month while terrorists plotted to bring down those World Trade thingies, and I succeeded in putting convicted felon and perjurer Admiral John Poindexter back in the Pentagon. So why not make Bill Bennett the Slots Czar? I mean, if you're filming a porno, you don't cast any dudes who are virgins, do you? Sure, you might want some cherry action with the girlies, but for the fellas, you need guys who have plenty of experience working the equipment, dig? Well, if ever there was a reliable prick for hire, it is Bill Bennett.

(Applause.)

Indeed, I am completely confident that Bill will do a bang-up job in his new position, and I speak for all current staffers who also worked in my daddy's White House (that being everyone) when I say how much we're all looking forward to having Bill's bloated, glistening carcass schlumping around the West Wing again. It just hasn't been the same around here without him and his all-night craps game in the Red Room. Sure, we have someone to do his sanctimonious leering-pastor type of moralistic pontificating, but I can't do it with Bill's signature wheezing and expectorating of thick, cheerful ropes of emphysema mucus.

In his new role as Slots Czar, Bill will be reprising much of the deft two-faced posturing that made his tenure as my daddy's Drug Czar so uniquely Republican. Back then, while only taking the Pall Mall out of his kisser long enough to joyfully send another darkie ghetto teen off to life in solitary for hawking a lousy dimebag, Bill rightfully asserted that since being hopelessly addicted to nicotine is legal, that there was nothing even remotely ironic about him puffing up his pre-cancerous chest with righteous indignation when it came to other drugs. Well, the same thing goes now. Gambling is legal, too. So to anyone out there who wants to start smirking at the thought of my bestest pal Bill earning eight figures a year telling people how to be moral, then pissing half of it away by humping a one-armed bandit in a seedy room full of drink-slinging whores and goomba mobsters, I say to hell with you. Didn't you hear that irony is dead? Even that faggot editor at Vanity Fair said so.

I want Americans to rest assured that wherever in these United States there may be stingy slots whose virtue is endangered, that Bill Bennett will be there to conservatively and compassionately Czar them - even if he has to stay up all night, going through fourteen plastic buckets of silver dollars to do it. Indeed, Mr. Bennett will be tireless in ensuring adherence to all virtuously slots-related legislation - both local and Federal - including any Pachinko-specific statutes, and with an emphasis on licensing and calibration certification. By that, I mean that he will be continuing to help our friends in the Christian Right to stop the spread of legalized gambling. After all, while I was able to handle my coke and alcohol - with the sole exception of that 15 year blackout - and Bill may be able handle his gambling, the rest of you idiots in America can't be trusted with either a line of powder or a line of odds. Of course, most importantly of all, Bill will be assuring consumer-virtue-protection through marathon sessions of quality assurance torture testing for every make and model of slot machine manufactured since 1937. So committed is Bill to this mission, he is estimating 80-90 hour work weeks for the remainder of the fiscal year.

(Applause.)

Thank you. With Mr. Bennett's help, a new day in virtuous and pious gambling is dawning in America, and I am proud to have helped make it happen. And regular Americans can be proud too - for footing the bill for Bill's impressive new salary, which will itself doubtless be expended in an impeccably virtuous manner.

(Applause.)

Thank you. No questions.

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