THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Today, with America's vast, bloodthirsty force of bravely unquestioning military grunts entering the final days of its totally justified mission to effortlessly annihilate Iraqazoid trash like blowflies on a roadside armadillo carcass, I wanted to take a few minutes off from my demanding schedule of aircraft carrier campaign commercial shoots to commemorate the passing of our nation's greatest-ever patriot – not counting me, of course.

46 years ago today, at the tender age of just 49, Senator Joseph McCarthy received a personal escort from Jesus Christ to a new permanent residence in one of Heaven's most luxurious and ethnically homogeneous gated communities. And though at the time, I myself was little more than a parasitic gummi worm in my momma's Cadillac-like uterus, I can still remember the muffled sounds of her anguished shrieks and the distinctive clank of her ill-fitting dentures gnashing on faux pearls upon hearing of his passing. Indeed, it was a dark day in our nation's proud history of fearmongering – for when the sun set, the most accomplished Republican demagogue to ever violently poke a liberal in the eye and cry "TRAITOR!" was no more.

Fortunately, though Joseph McCarthy cannot be here with us today as we wrap ourselves in the flag and denounce anyone who questions my God-like perfection as an America-hating faggot, we can still look to his shining example. You know it's not every day that a dead Irishman leaves behind much more than some empty Jameson flasks and a sack of rotten spuds, but in Senator Joe's case, we have inherited a timeless and invaluable blueprint for intimidating political opponents into pussy-whooped silence. Why, back when Joe when was in his prime, you didn't so much look sideways at him unless you wanted that burly mick to march on over and tear your commie nuts off with his bare, all-American hands.

Today, America is once again threatened by an unseen, all-pervasive menace which corrupts and destroys all that it touches. No, I'm not talking about Joe McCarthy's Communism. And no, I'm not talking about terrorism, either. I'm talking about critical thinking, open dialogue and dissent. But not unlike the red menace of Communism, this sickening new pink menace can and will be eradicated from the planet. Sure, there are those who would argue that Communism remains a reality for more than half the world's population, but I'm only counting real people here – no Chinkies or Cubo-Ricans.

Were he alive today, Senator McCarthy would be approaching his 96th birthday. And though he'd likely be about as continent as Strom Thurmond at a kegger, he would also no doubt be proud. Proud to see how far we've come, and how close we are to realizing his vision of a quasi-Orwellian parody state. For you see, Senator McCarthy was a man years ahead of his time. Things were different back when he was in Congress. There was no FOX News around to heed his call to spin his enemies' words and positions into hard evidence of ideological treason – which, in an earlier, more wholesome era, would have been grounds enough for lifetime imprisonment. Nor was there any Rush Limbaugh or Sean Hannity to work in tandem with FOX News and whip up the entire corn and Bible belts into a paranoia-fueled rage so white-hot and irrational, they'd be hard-pressed to make it through jury selection on a 17th Century witchcraft trial. But worst of all for poor Joe, the Senate of the 1950's actually included a number of Democrats who were also... vertebrates.

How things change in just 46 short years! Why, just imagine what old Joe could be accomplishing in today's America. Come to think of it, you don't need to imagine. All you have to do is try talking shit about me in public for more than five seconds and see what happens. And they said mob lynchings and blacklists had gone out of style!

And so today, on the anniversary of Senator McCarthy's untimely passing in a tragic autoerotic asphyxiation accident in J. Edgar Hoover's pool cabana, I am proud to nevertheless state outright that his nefariously brilliant tactics and strategies constitute the cornerstone of my family's gameplan for retaining control of the White House for the duration of pre-apocalyptic time.

God Bless Senator McCarthy, and God Bless America. Thank you.

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