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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - May 1, 2003 - 5:07 P.M. (PST)

Campaign Appearance by the President from the USS Abraham Lincoln
At Sea Within Swimming Distance of San Diego, California

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you all very much. It's a real pleasure to be here today on this multi-billion dollar campaign commercial float. If I'd known that serving in the military was going to be this cool, I would have showed up more often for my National Guard duties. Hell, I might have even gone hog wild and done that Viet Nam thing I was drafted for instead of going A.W.O.L.


Admiral Kelly, Captain Card, senior officers of the USS Abraham Lincoln: I appreciate you warning these sorry enlisted grunts to keep their bellyaching traps shut about me delaying their long-overdue homecoming by making you all turn this neato ship-thing around so that the coastline wouldn't show up behind me on the news. But look on the bright side: their wives are probably screwing the cool, rich guys like me who have the primo stash and never go to war, so what's the rush?

I'm told you Navy boys have been working real hard here for the past 10 months, and I want you to know how much your peers in the Army, Marines, Air Force and the National Guard value your remote contributions to the war effort – that is when they're not cracking jokes about what a bunch of dung sniffin' butt pirates y'all are.

(Laughter and Applause.)

Today, True Patriots are blessed with the convergence of not two, not three, but four official reasons to celebrate – and I'm not even counting my hunky flight suit sausage strut earlier today. Which reminds me – did you know that some idiots think it's a profoundly grave breach of Constitutional protocol for a sitting American President to get gussied up in military duds and ham it up for the cameras like one of those South American dictators the CIA is always having to kill? They point to the fact that even Dwight D. Eisenhower, a former 5-Star General and war hero, didn't dare undermine the civilian integrity of the Presidency by donning a uniform during his stint as Commander in Chief. Well what can I say? He got the fun of wearing the damn thing for a whole World War! He was probably sick of these groin straps riding up the crack of his ass by the time he was in the White House. But for me? It's a real novelty. Besides, Dwight was clearly just too insecure about that pencil-dicked little package of his to ever try to fill the cargo bay of some Top Gun overalls like I can. You know it took me nearly an hour to squeeze my manhood into that official Navy flyer outfit? I mean, I'm puttin' the cock back in cockpit, gentlemen. But I digress.

Today is the firstest ever Loyalty Day, which I invented to remind people that if they're not loyal to me, then they're obviously traitor garbage, and will have just been asking for it when some patriotic Sean Hannity listener takes a chainsaw to their neck and spends the afternoon in the park shootin' hoops with their severed liberal scumbag head for daring to ask questions and talk shit about yours truly. Because Real Americans worship me like the Romans used to worship that woman Julia Caesar.

You know, growing up in the Bush family, my momma and daddy taught us that, next to knowing how to get L.L. Bean wholesale, loyalty was the most important virtue in the world, and that's why we Bushes stand together through thick and through even thicker – through the reported and unreported DWI's, the savings and loans scandals, my grandpappy funding Hitler's rise to power and having his assets seized under the Trading with the Enemy Act, Iran Contra, Enron, being owned by the Bin Ladens, Neil's divorce, Marvin's battle with insignificance, Doro's scabies, and even mom's fabled gin-fueled puppy punt. Yes, through it all, we remain loyal to the Bush klan, and now with Loyalty Day, everyone else can too – or risk the consequences.


Today is also Prayer Day. Not that every day in my White House isn't Prayer Day what with us always badgering the Lord for stuff, but we thought it might be nice to officially devote an entire day to flipping the bird to the Separation of Church and State. They say there are no atheists in foxholes. I'm assuming the same is true in Navy showers. Why? Because we've got the freedom of religion to worship Jesus in any way we want to in this country! As such, please join me in reciting a nice, faith-neutral passage aloud from Matthew 6:5-6:

"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full.6

But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."

Wait one dang second. What is this horseshit? It's downright un-American to pray when folks aren't watching! Just forget what that Jesus guy said. I mean, what's the point of being all holy and stuff if there aren't any television cameras? Speaking of which, did the TV cameras get that? Good. Karl, FedEx a tape of me saying that stuff before I realized it was bunk over to the Christian Coalition first thing tomorrow.

I'm told today is also Law Day. During my wild youth leading into my early forties, I always made sure I observed Law Day by obeying the law that day every year. Now that I am the law, I've got a 365-day pass! I'm telling you, it's good to be King. Now let's get on to the meat of the matter, shall we?

In the battle of Iraq, the United States has kicked major towelhead ass. (Applause.) Now notice how I called it the "battle" of Iraq. That's not just because I didn't bother to actually have those yes-men in Congress officially declare war before going in and wasting all those worthless sand coons, but because the last thing I want anyone to do is start thinking of war in the past tense. My friends, we're still at war against terror. Mainly, the terror of falling approval ratings. And even if the White House's "Threat of the Week" is invisible or imaginary or lives in a giant stone box in the middle of a city called Mecca – we will remain at war at least until early November of 2004. Of course, if things don't go according to Karl's plans on election day, I'll be slipping on another military uniform and we'll whip you up a war none of you will soon forget. But if the voting machines are preprogrammed correctly, after my recoronation, we'll declare victory and kick off a new war against something that my baby brother Jeb can be good at when he's President. Maybe it'll be the "War Against Vote-Crazy Negroes and Pat Buchanan Worshiping Jews" or the "War Against Not Raising Teenaged Pill Poppers and Public Fornicators."

Anyway, I can't tell you how much of a pleasure it was to ease my jockey-shorts cruise missile out of my fly and take a proverbial long, hard wizz all over the Middle East. Today, with the entire nation of Iraq spiraling into chaos because I forgot to plan anything past the fun killing part, I thought it might be fun to think back to just a few months ago, when all those Muslamazoid loonybirds were hopping up and down like a bunch of uncaged monkeys, yappin' on and hacking up phlegm in that spit language of theirs about how if we permanently seized any Isamian oil fields, Allah was going to destroy us. Well looky how things turned out! Looks like we've got a more powerful God than Allah. I'm guessing Jesus walked up to old Allah, put that sucker in a headlock, then hogtied the flea-bitten bastard with his own girly sheet outfit. Like Allah ever had a chance in the first place. Hell, the only people he can convince to worship him are Arabiacs, coloreds, and the Filiponesians, so how'd he think he could ever take on Jesus and get anything other than a mouthful of bloody, hummus-covered tic-tacs?

NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim May 1, 2003, as Whoopin' Allah's Sorry Ass Day.


I call upon all the people of the United States to voluntarily join in mandatory support of this national observance, and I ask for all the citizens of the world to point and laugh at the folly that is Islam, and all the dumb folks who are going to burn in hell for believing in it. We thank the real, Christian God for the salvation he will be bestowing on those who fear him.

And on that note, let's wrap this up. I know you all are eager to get home, and I know how hard it is to go without a single drink or snort for ten months straight.

Well, actually I don't.


Thank you. And may the real God Bless America.


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