SENATOR SANTORUM: Good morning. I want to thank the President for inviting me to join him today. As you know, recent comments by yours truly, asserting not only that Americans have no Constitutional right to privacy, but also accurately comparing homos to child rapers and kin-pumpin' Mormons, have whipped up Washington's smartypants sodomite elite into a pink-codpiece-chafing snit. And though it seems increasingly likely that I may have suffered a gruesomely damaging self-inflicted political blow, I'm going to hold my ground on this one – just like the snarling little Pennsyltucky froofy dog that I am.

THE PRESIDENT: It's a real pleasure to have you here, Rickos. You know, Karl and I were counting on the post-war media to forget that we can't find any Iraqi weapons or even Saddam Hussein, and remain fixated on that California Democrat who celebrated the sanctity of the American family by snuffing out his preggers wife on Jesus' birthday. Unfortunately, it would seem that the liberal-controlled Jew homo press also smells blood in the political waters, and so they're trying their queer bestest to do to you what they did to your hair styling mentor Senator Trent Lott. Well we're not gonna let it happen. That's why I called you up – so you can say your piece.

SENATOR SANTORUM: I appreciate that, Mr. President. I know that you know how much it hurts when people say things about you that aren't true – like when people spew lies about your insider trading deals at Harken Energy and how you went A.W.O.L. from the National Guard because you couldn't take their drug test because of that cocaine thing, and that stuff about that underage girl and how you–

THE PRESIDENT: Rickers! Ix-nay on the uth-tray!

SENATOR SANTORUM: Gotcha. Very good point. You see, it is also painful when people say nasty things about you that are true, as well as accurately quote things you've said that reflect your deepest-held views, but may be one of the many things you wish you had hidden from the voters. Well anyway, it's painful when people play up your prejudices and make them seem like a bad thing. And I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't deeply hurt to be called a bigot just because I said that people who do the fag sex deserve to be in prison. How is that bigoted? Why, I'm just giving them an invitation to practice their perverted lifestyle in a secure environment. And correct me if I'm wrong here, but from what I understand, prison is like a little heaven on earth to these Nancy boy butt sniffers.

And for the record here, what I said was that I have no problem with homosexuality, just with "homosexual acts." I think most Americans would agree. So what's the issue? If you say "it's not the fish I hate, it's the swimming," I would understand that. Same goes for "we shouldn't exterminate Muslims, just the 'act' of 'being' a Muslim" or "I'm not prejudiced against niggers, just folks who go around acting like niggers." Sheesh! Some non-Republicans just can't see the forest for the clear-cut trees. I mean, I can't say I'm surprised that the homos can't comprehend this simple and logical distinction, inasmuch as they're all half retarded with Brain AIDS, but for the non-homos to be thinking that, well it's pretty worrisome. I mean, these fops are recruiting our children, and I don't think that any parent would feel comfortable chaperoning an after-school circle jerk in the family room.

THE PRESIDENT: Ain't it the truth, Rickarooni. But you know, it's like I told the Log Cabin Republicans last year, so long as they're filled with enough self-loathing to keep voting for us and donating to our campaigns, we'll be happy to ignore their girly self-centered shrieking each time we take another step towards stuffing them back in the dress-filled closets they came from.

SENATOR SANTORUM: Yes, sir. Now not to harp on it or anything, but that's why this "bigot" label bothers me so much. Republicans aren't bigots. Why, look back just 160 years ago to Abraham Lincoln – he was a Republican, and he let the coloreds go free. Sure, ever since then, our history has been one of adhering to institutionalized discrimination until liberals outlaw it, but... did I mention that Abraham Lincoln was a Republican? I mean, look at the Civil Rights movement. Republicans heroes like Strom Thurmond may have fought it tooth and nail, but once those darkies were allowed out of the back of the bus, we've been reaching out ever since.

PRESIDENT: Amen, Rickmeister. We live in a country stuffed like a Christmas pig with opportunity. Where little watermelon-slurping pickaninnies everywhere know that if they learn to act Caucasian enough, they can grow up to hold a position of a genuine white house coon, like my dear friends and coffee-getters Condi and Colin.

SENATOR SANTORUM: And the same thing goes for "Equal Rights" for the tampon set – unless they want to play golf with us, of course.

And now the faggots are calling us all prejudiced. Ridiculous. Heck, as the Senate's most forceful advocate for insisting that public school biology curricula include the Bible fact based study of Creation Science right alongside the hair brained myth of evolution, I'm not even prejudiced against so-called theories. So how could I be prejudiced against so-called people? Why, some of my closest friends of friends of friends of relatives of neighbors are faggots, and I've never had a hissing cat fight with any of them. Never had any words with them at all, in fact. So you see, faggots is OK by me, so long as they don't touch each other. Or talk about it. Ever. Especially not around me.

And that love thing, when I'm president, that isn't going to be happening for those freaks. We need to preserve the sanctity and solemnity of Christian marriage by only allowing boy-girl couples who get married in churches and on games shows on the networks during sweeps.

THE PRESIDENT: Nicely done, Rickatronic. I think people will see the real you much more clearly now.

That's a wrap. No questions, of course.

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