THE PRESIDENT: Brave citizens of America – today our perfect country finds itself besieged by yet another in a seemingly endless stream of murderous foreign invaders. This time, instead of mad dog Arabiacs, commusexuals, or hippy pacifists – all of which remain clear and present dangers to your fear-induced, Mastercard-fueled Wal-Mart impulse shopping sprees – the threat comes from the land of the savage yellowman: Red China.

My team of Christian Scientists has just given me a brief, comprehensive, and totally factual briefing on SARS – Sexfiend Asian Reckoning Syndrome. This terrible disease – which we now know beyond a shadow of a doubt is linked to the rampant Asiatic fetish for indiscriminately sodomizing panda bears – has infected hundreds of people worldwide. Worse yet, it has actually killed a slender fraction of the total number of worthless Iraqazoid civilians whose executions I've personally presided over and guiltlessly cheered.

I want the American people to rest assured that I'm not just pissing gasoline on a mighty bonfire of suburban nightmares here – this SARS is a true emergency that required I step away from my daily military spoon feeding. It is THAT important. Hell – we just discovered asstrunks of WMDs that my daddy sold the Iraqis twenty years ago, and one of the warheads was filled with a weaponized flock of attack parakeets! So now you know: I got my serious pants on on this one, you hear?

Of course, I don't believe in the myths of evolution, or global warming, or all that mumbo jumbo about Heaven not being directly behind the moon. But I do believe in the Bell Curve, the restorative powers of tobacco, and that mass hysteria over SARS is totally justified.

Today, as I speak, huge state-sponsored Communist orgies of Godless, Viagra-pumped old Chinese men and little girls are being held as part of Mao Zeedong's master plan to breed enough pinko, pencil-dicked bastards to actually fill in the Pacific Ocean and build a human invasion bridge to our righteous shores. Why? No doubt to give us all SARS. Just think of it – whole mah-jongg stadiums teaming, writhing, and pulsing with ginourmous piles of copulating yellow buttocks, all maniacally intent on destroying God's America. It's enough to make you want to crap cinders, ain't it?

Indeed – just like Iran, Syria, France, and Northern California – Red China's gunning for us. And I'll tell you, if it wasn't for the fact that it's full of talented, motivated people who represent the last desperate gold mine for American corporate labor exploitation, I'd have cauterized their whole SARS-oozing sore of a country with a couple hundred nukular blasts by now.

Barring that though, I'm still gonna be proactive on this one. Unlike my divine predecessor Ronald Reagan, who made the mistake of just crossing his fingers and hoping that AIDS would simply wipe out the faggots, I am making the prudent decision to indefinitely detain anyone who comes down with this horrifying sex plague.

Therefore, by the authority vested in me as President of the United States of America, I do hereby unilaterally pass into law Executive Order #9066-B, authorizing and directing all Executive Departments and Federal Agencies to assist in carrying out the prompt quarantining and internment in "Health Camps" of any and all slanty-eyed pervert SOB's suspected of carrying SARS.

If you have SARS, you are probably a Red Chinarooni, a Muslamian, a hippy, Jim Jeffords, or some kind of empathetic homo America-hater who should move the fuck to France or watch out for your family – you know what I mean?

That said – I am also adding a number of other diseases to my quarantine order/Constitutional loophole. All those who are infected with atheism, dissension, doubt, individualism, hope, intellectualism, creativity, and/or left-handedness will also be interned and treated. And while their seditious infirmities may be terminal, SARS itself can be cured, providing you're not one of the 40 million Americans lacking basic health insurance.

In closing, I ask all Americans to be vigilant. If you're a war-happy, honest, money-worshipping American round-eye and you have a cough, sniffle, or urinate irregularly – you might have inhaled the infected Chinkatronic lice that pollute most Wok & Roll restaurants and other places where Asians congregate – like IT departments and top universities. This means you could be infected... or not. According to my personal Christian Scientists, the best way to save your life is to pray to Jesus long and hard. That works better than Kevlar on the battlefield.

Thank you, and good night.

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