COMPLETE TRANSCRIPT OF PRESIDENT BUSH'S 100% SINCERE PEP RALLY REMARKS, AS DELIVERED TO THE WORKING CLASS MARINE MARTYRS OF CAMP LEJEUNE, NORTH CAROLINA
Statement by the President to the Military Personnel and Their Families
Camp Lejeune, North Carolina
THE PRESIDENT: GOOOOOOD MOOOOORNING, NORTH CACKALACKY! HOO-RAH! SEMPER FI!
(20,000 Shorn Adolescents Bellow in Unison, "HAIL EL PRESIDENTE! WE WHO ARE ABOUT TO DIE SALUTE YOU!")
Man, I love you fucking badass leathernecks – even if your little fort here does have a girly frenchy name.
I gaze lovingly into your
highly-trained, steely peepers and I see loyal automatons who are willing to
blindly snuff out their own lives to fulfill my black gold cartel's economic and political
agenda.
I don't profess to understand your courage, or the working class backgrounds
most of you tried to escape when you fell for the slick military
advertisements promising a life of confidence, civilian skills, and
violent death – but I know that you are America's best: shining examples of our diversity,
blood-thirstiness, and utter expendability.
(Hoots and Hollers.)
I thought I'd take some time out of my busy schedule of playing with my toy
oil wells on the big tabletop map of Texraq to come down here and give y'all a good old
fashioned pep rally.
As many of you know, I am a certified jet fighter pilot
who flew multiple grueling training sorties throughout Texas while thankful blacks and hispano-ricans
got all the glory chowing down on tasty Agent Orange-flavored MRE's in the tropical paradise that was the 'Nam.
But I don't know how many of you boys know that I also used to be a
certifiable cheerleader – but not in a faggy way. I was pretty butch, and
let me tell you, I jammed many a stinky finger under more than my fair share
of star-spangled panties.
(Guns Fired in Air.)
So with that, allow me to give y'all a little cheer I was up all last night writing:
GO MARINES!
GIMME A "K"
GIMME AN "I"
GIMME AN "L"
GIMME ANOTHER "L"
GIMME AN "E"
WHAT DOES IT SPELL?
KILL!
KILL! KILL!
KILL! KILL! KILL!
KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!
KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!
BOO-YA!
I hope you boys are as super-pumped as me!
They tell me the US Marines are the few and the proud. I don't really "get" that, but
whatever makes you grunts happy and easier to manipulate into a frothing rage.
Remember – I am sending you to decimate Iraq and teach those ignorant
shitwater-swilling sewer rats a lesson in USA-style fear, and to make sure
that fifty years from now, history records that America's values were as
wholesome, healthy, and true as the ingredients in an All-American Moon Pie.
In the coming days, weeks, months, years, and decades, you'll hear a lot of
people talking trash about what my posse of greedy, cynical liberty-loathers
made you guys do. You will see things and do things that will haunt you forever. You will
trade your youth for a lifetime of awakening from nightmares in
puddles of cold sweat, only to gaze vacantly in the mirror and softly repeat again and again yourself,
"What the fuck did I do?" Well just remember – acres of dismembered Iraqazoid babies or not – we're the good
guys. Never, ever doubt that. Besides, "What did I do?" is a treasonous question anyway. I should
hope we brainwashed y'all better than that.
And while we're at it – never forget that September 11th was perpetrated by Iraq. And Iran, and Syria,
Yemen, possibly Pakistan and Saudi Arabia, definitely North Korea, France, Russia,
Germany, Canada, and Turkey. So you see – you boys are killing my enemies so that we can ensure
that the world remains rightfully chaotic, impoverished, and deliciously ripe for profitable
nation building.
As you march off into the desert – let me assure you that your country has
never been more strong, noble, or cloyingly happy. The tax cut I am
championing, and can only pass by distracting America with your
deaths, will make sure that our homeland stays the way it is – not broke,
desperately patriotic, and the kind of place where any old millionaire can
still get rich. A place where the poor and elderly will still be taken care
of – either by enlisting to fight the USA-hating world or rotting away in huge,
HMO-underwritten geriatric Gulags.
USA! USA! USA!
Now go forth and be victorious, kiddos. I'll be watching your backs, doing my best
not to wet myself with shame while gazing into the eyes of your grieving parents
after you genuine American heroes are so senselessly killed.
Bush out.
(Applause.)
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