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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - March 26, 2003 - 10:16 A.M. (EST)

Radio Address by the President

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. My radio message today goes out to the great unwashed camel people of Iraqistan. I want to thank you all for tuning in to the station you could previously hear before we dropped an E-bomb on your version of Katie Couric. To be honest, I wouldn't mind dropping one on our own version too, but my advisors tell me we are still months away from being able to get away with that. Be advised that I will be speaking at you LOUDLY, thereby rendering my thick-tongued Texas twang instantly comprehensible to your sand-mite-filled foreigner ears.

As you may or may not have heard by now, I've got a wee bit of a bloodlust hard-on for that beret-wearing, Magnum PI cretin you losers call a leader, which is why I'm continuing to ignore the North Korean nuclear crisis by dispatching a patriotic quarter million of my nation's innocent teenage leathernecks to play death chicken with your nation's legions of walking godless impediments to my personal enrichment.

I know that many of you feel crushed between the rock and the hard place that is Saddam's iron grip and the promised joys of an American-styled totalitarian theocracy, which we call more simply "democracy." And I realize that in my Pappy's half-assed prequel to my War for Christ and Carbon-Based Fuels, he promised you suckers the moon if you if you would rise up against Saddam Insane. Then when you did just what he asked, the American military kicked back its heels and watched 30,000 to 60,000 of you get slaughtered for treason by Republican Guards.

Now with all that said, I can understand how some of you get all skittish and girly when I ask you to do the same. But today I want to promise you that there is only a 40 – 48 tops! – percent chance of us cracking open some brewskies and watching you get your easily-manipulated throats slit again. That's right - because this time we mean it: we are going to maybe somehow shove democracy down your hummus-slicked throats, prevent your fractious nation from disintegrating into ethnic civil war, open up a few hundred Burger Kings, steal your oil, and be out of your bushy flavor-saver mustaches in just fifteen to twenty years. Yes, we are going to teach you cultureless monkeys the wonders of American democracy by forcibly removing the leader you all seem to like and making you mindlessly kowtow to a puppet that moves his mouth when he is told to by powerful unseen forces. Hey, it's working just fine and dandy here in America, so you Oasis-sniffing trinket sellers better not turn your filthy noses up at the idea!

As a CEO-style President, I make it a point to absorb the insightful and always correct opinions of my expert panel of murderous and senile desk-humping daydreamers before I read their decisions aloud. So when it came time to cook up a reason to burn off some of our weapons stockpile so we can award a juicy batch of new defense contracts to red state corporations, I was assured that you feeble sub-humans would enjoy having your nation blanketed with bullets, bombs, body parts, and all manner of informatively entertaining leaflets.

That's why today I must tell you that I am both puzzled and foaming-at-the-mouth enraged by your failure to greet my invasion force with rose petal confetti and butt cheeks aflutter. Indeed, many of you are actually resisting my blood-drenched application of freedom to your worthless non-country. All of this, after I assured the American people that you wanted us to kill your children and level your homes. Now, I don't mind being a liar at all, but I do mind that you uncooperative sons of desert bitches have showed me to be that liar to the American television audience. Clearly, you people are in need of a little quiet time with the Holy Bible, which teaches us to avoid the sins of Arabiac pride, the false god of Allahammed, and non-white self-respect.

In short, cut the uppity shit and take your fucking raghead democracy medicine, you hear me? Because if need be, I'll exterminate every last one of you bastards if that's what it takes to reap vengeance upon old Osama bin Hussein. Of course, that would be one hell of a loss for both of us. For me, because it would force me to reveal my true motivations in launching an illegal attack against your sovereign nation, and for you, well mainly because then you'll miss out on all the cool new stuff that Dick Cheney and Halliburton are gonna build in your back yard for just 60% over cost.

In closing, just let me say that I understand that Iraq is not unlike a little girl who just had an all-day picnic with Uncle Bad Touch and his full cadre of pervert liberal Democrat friends. Iraq is damaged goods and y'all are the national equivalent of a porno actress – it's hard enough to look at you, but you'd have to be a goddamned nutjob to crawl in the sack with you. But has that stopped me from triple penetrating your nasty carcass? Hell, no. So please, just get with the program and welcome my marauding band of citizen soldiers with open arms, OK? After all, they just wanted the U.S. to pay for their college educations, but instead got a one-way ticket to Dubya's Bloody Ultra-Oblivion Adventure. You people cut them some slack, and we'll truly, truly love you. Doesn't that sound nice? It better.

Bush over and out.


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