PRESIDENT BUSH REASSURES JITTERY NATION: "THE WAR SHOW WILL GO ON. SO NUKE UP SOME CHEEZ WHIZ, KICK BACK & ENJOY THE BLOODLETTING!"
Statement by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Last night, as innocent American soldiers were being killed while attempting to
deliver my personal heat-seeking tongue kiss of death to Saddam Hussein,
America's Hollywood elite gathered for that gaudy orgy of masturbatory liberalism known as The 75th Annual Academy Awards.
Fortunately, this morning's Neilsen ratings tell us that most True Americans were too busy doing their duty of
consuming – no questions asked – unbiased victory coverage on FOX News to bother joining the coastal
fruitcake crowd that tunes in to that depraved Los Angeles fleshpit of weak-willed narcissism. Indeed, True Americans
know that if you want the biggest bang for your entertainment buck, you don't hand it over to the liberal
box office, you put it in the campaign coffers of the GOP – because WE know how to produce a Grade-A, populace-anesthetizing circus
of genuine carnage and destruction!
I of course did not watch the Oscars myself, opting instead to wait for Karl Rove's trademark breathless recounting
of the evening's most egregious fashion faux pas. And while I want to tepidly commend 99% of the celebrities in attendance for being scared
enough of blacklists to keep their jellyfish traps shut, I would be remiss in my role of a pillar of modern-day fascism were
I not to delicately suggest that our swelling ranks of the self-deputized Patriotism Gestapo start cracking the skulls of
the half-dozen capitalism-hating limousine liberals who dared to question my motives and brilliance last night.
As such, all True Americans stand hereby directed to not only boycott the films of the following persons,
but also to overwhelm their online fan clubs with violently threatening e-mail denouncements.
In lieu of the works of these traitorous whores, you are also hereby commanded to absorb the real-life documentaries
of liberation: Saving Private Ryan, The Guns of Navarone, and John Wayne's The Green Berets.
BOYCOTT THESE AMERICA-HATING LIBERALS
Michael Moore: "Fictitious President," eh? Way to look like a Loony Liberal, Throat-Beard!
Too bad that slothful pig-beast heart of yours will be imploding under its own weight any day now.
Pedro Almodovar: Who knew David Lynch had a Hispano-Rican cousin? Not me. But who cares what he
thinks anyway? Everyone in his dumb movies speaks Mexican.
Susan Sarandon: Hey Carrot Top! Nice sign-language for "Let's shit on the flag!"
Dead Man Walking would have been a hell of a comedy if it wasn't for your bony bummer ass!
Barbra Streisand: OK, so Yentl zipped it and censored herself. Boycott her anyway.
It'll make her madder than when that colored albino freak "Jujyfruit" won the music Oscar.
Adrien Brody: Sure, he may not have been directly critical, but this squirrelly little New York
fruit bat still had the GALL to shed girly tears and utter the traitorous word "peace."
Tim Robbins: So what if he didn't speak this year. Just holding up those two filthy
stink-fingers of his is reason enough to unleash a world of pain on Mr. Jolly Pinko Giant here.