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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - March 23, 2003 - 11:04 A.M. (EST)

Remarks by the President in Address to the Nation

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning to you, my Presidential Prayer Team Brothers in Christ. I want to thank you all for joining me here at impregnable Fort David. Of course, I know we would all much prefer to be nibbling Laura's famous moon pie scones in Crawford, but in these troubled times, political decorum mandates that we keep the month-long Texas getaways down to just four or five per year.

As you know, our righteous Crusade against Islamia has now entered its third day, and so this morning, as nearly a dozen innocent American soldiers march toward their senseless and untimely afternoon deaths, let us all take a moment to raise up our passion fruit mimosas in a jubilant toast to Jesus!



THE PRESIDENT: Indeed. I think I speak for all of us when I say how thankful we are to Jesus for agreeing to answer our prayers for the near-effortless, laser-guided slaughter of the cretins who dare to already inhabit the nation I've ordered be illegally invaded and forcefully seized in the name of freedom. After encountering such intense resistance to my plan from the vastly inferior minority that is 90% of the earth's population, it's nice to finally have a friendly ear in Jesus. I so appreciate His enthusiastic endorsement of my plans to use a tidal wave of American blood to wash those Muslamoid fanatics off the face of His Holy Land.


THE PRESIDENT: For it is in Jesus' own best-selling autobiography entitled The Holy Bible that we read:

"Samaria [Iraq] shall become desolate;
for she hath rebelled against her God:
they shall fall by the sword:
their infants shall be dashed in pieces,
and their women with child shall be ripped up."
   - Hosea 13:16
And I can't tell you how happy it makes me to be the bloodthirsty instrument of Jesus' Arab-killing, apocalypse-inducing rage.


PASTOR DEACON FRED: You shut your Christ-killing hole, Jew-boy! Who let you in here, anyways?

THE PRESIDENT: Ari, you mind the good Pastor, you hear? He's doing his best to make sure you people will have the honor of scarfing down gefilte fish in Hell while we chosen folks ascend into the clouds for an eternity of joy and bliss.

(Murmurs of Assent.)

You know, before Jesus entered my life, I was a sinner: lazy, greedy – a drunkard, a legacy parasite coked out of his gourd, a cross-eyed chimpanzee with severe millionaire Daddy issues. But once I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior – I was finally able to reconcile myself with my pathologically selfish behaviors, inbred beliefs and good old boy elitism. How? Because Jesus loves you so much, he even lets you unload all that heavy "personal responsibility" crapola onto His broad, hunky shoulders. And THAT'S salvation! You're reborn – completely unfettered by common sense or logical morality.

DR. FALWELL: Say it like it is, brother!

THE PRESIDENT: Let us pray to Jesus for victory over the godless forces of Allahammed, brothers.

"And when the Lord thy God hath delivered [a city] into thine hands, thou
shalt smite every male thereof with the edge of the sword: But the women,
and the little ones... shalt thou take unto thyself... But of the
cities of these people, which the Lord thy God doth give thee for an
inheritance, thou shalt save alive nothing that breatheth."
   - Deuteronomy 20:13-16

"And when the Lord thy God shall deliver them before thee; thou shalt smite
them, and utterly destroy them; thou shalt make no covenant with them, nor
shew mercy unto them."
   - Deuteronomy 7:2


THE PRESIDENT: Keep it in your funky prostate, Pat. I'm not done yet.

"Thou shalt surely smite the inhabitants of that city [of nonbelievers] with
the edge of the sword, destroying it utterly, and all that is therein, and
the cattle thereof, with the edge of the sword."
    - 1 Samuel 13:15

"Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare
them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep,
camel and ass."
    - 1 Samuel 15:3

OK, now I'm done.

(Feverish and Rhythmic Clapping of Hands and Stomping of Feet.)

THE PRESIDENT: A-men! Wow – am I ever totally juiced up on Jesus. Next time we'll play some Creed and rock with the Son of Man!


But in closing, let me remind all you good old boys in the Presidential Prayer Team how important it is that we stay on script – lest there be any liberal suspicion that this war is just some shameless profit grab and massive national security gamble. Because we all know that's nonsense, that this war is really a high-minded campaign to "liberate" hellbound peoples we don't care about from their dirty old oil and to teach the Arabiacs when you fuck with the bull, you get a big old crusty Texas longhorn brutally goring into your camel jockey poop chute.


Thank you all. See you next Sunday.


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