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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - March 13, 2003 - 3:37 P.M. (EST)

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY UNVEILS NOBLE, HONORABLE AND COMPLETELY NON-GREED-INSPIRED TWELVE-STEP RECOVERY PLAN FOR THE FUTURE FORMER NATION OF IRAQAEDA
Statement by the Vice President

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Please be seated. Today, with fully 250,000 of America's most expendable grunts poised to maybe possibly survive repeated waves of VX nerve gas attacks during our righteous smackdown of the entire hellbound subcontinent of Allahstan, it is my pleasure to announce the details of the Bush Administration's fully noble and honorable twelve-step recovery plan for the future former nation of Iraqaeda.

This plan, conceived by yours truly – a life-long public servant with no plans to ever enter the fabulously lucrative private sector – will fundamentally change the way literally dozens of my former petrochemical executive golf partners can relieve the world's poor of their burdensome dreams of not wallowing in human filth. Indeed, it a plan borne of the time-tested American tradition of Compassionate Conservatism - of bombing a demonized and powerless desert armpit to dust, then rehabilitating its easily-malleable raghead populace with steaming bowls of Kraft® Deluxe Macaroni & Cheese and aggressively soul-balming Christian proselytizing until such time as they can properly function as productive drones in a global society that prizes 1/2 pound burgers, white beauty, shiny baubles, and sloth-like complacency. The plan is as follows:

Twelve-Step Recovery Plan for Future Former Nation of Iraqaeda:

  1. Non-Greed-or-Vendetta-Inspired Regime Change through Superior Defense Technologies.
  2. Purely Humanitarian Reconstruction of Bombed-Out Buildings & Facilities.
  3. An Utterly Charitable Clean Water Initiative.
  4. Completely Altruistic, Famine-Averting Strip-Mining Solutions.
  5. Non-Greed-Inspired Road & Highway Rehabilitation.
  6. Exclusively Kindhearted Enhancements of Railroads, Airports, and Ports & Harbors.
  7. Wholly Compassionate Sand Control & Stabilization.
  8. Entirely Benevolent Assembly of Ammonia Plants.
  9. Fully Non-Avaricious New Oil Well Drilling and Oil Well Completion.
  10. Profoundly Selfless Delivery of Petroleum Refining and Pipeline Services.
  11. Mercilessly Crush the False Religion of "Islam."
  12. Install "Florida-Style" Democracy.
(Applause.)

Thank you. No questions, of course.

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