THE PRESIDENT: Good evening. Before I get to the scary part of taking nosy questions and hoping that Dick Cheney stops talking in this dang earpiece long enough for me to actually hear your impertinence, I want to say a few words.

Terror. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Peace.

In fact, I'd like to say a few more words.

Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Terror.

See? When you mix them up, it keeps the folks at home off balance and sounds like you are saying something different without even having to memorize a new flash card.

Now, the first question traditionally goes to Helen Thomas, who has covered every Supreme Ruler since Kennedy. But since she called me "the worst president in all of American history," I am going to enjoy pointing in her direction tonight, only to call on the person on either side of her just as she is about to open her treasonous cake-hole. I am, however, chivalrous enough to tell the poisonous hag this: you may want to have a few dogs sniff around that old Lincoln Continental of yours before you fire it up tonight.

So... Bill? Wait - let's see what this here script says... yeah, Bill.

BILL: Mr. President, I just want to thank you for calling on me, as agreed. I hope my appearance on tonight's show will kick my career into high gear. You can always count on me, sir. My question is: I think you're doing a great job.

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you. Fat chick in the back with the bad wig.

MISS STEVENS: Yes, Mr. President [unintelligible.]

THE PRESIDENT: Now listen little lady, my many handlers have worked me over good this week so that I could put on a good show for you all tonight. For example, we're trying out this new thing where I'm not going to look directly at most of you. My coaches were real big on me acting as shy as a Geisha girl tonight to overcome the impression about six billion folks are carrying around in their heads that I am something called "arrogant." So, they've ditched that cocky cowboy thing that has served me so well and have carefully trained me to talk tonight like a whole new person - since the old me was obviously pissing off a whole mess of people all around the world.

So, I hope you will appreciate my new act I will be trying out on you tonight. But just because I've got a totally new demeanor and talk with a voice as soft and sleepy as Pickles after her mid-morning "bonus" Xanax kicks in, don't give you all out there an excuse to also try out new, fun voices. I couldn't hear a dang thing you said, Missy, but I didn't like the look on your mug when you were saying whatever it was you were saying, so I am going to go to Robert - what was that Dick? - no, sorry, I am going to go to Oriental type fellow on the second row.

MR. LEE: Thank you, Mr. President. It seems that everyone knows that you have already definitely decided to go to war with Iraq. In fact, you made this decision a long time ago and nothing is going to change your mind, short of a new Gallup public opinion poll. So isn't all, this "I'm praying for peace" rhetoric simply a lie and an insult to the god you claim to worship?

THE PRESIDENT: First of all, I never said I was "praying for peace." I said I was "praying for a piece." A piece of Saddam's hairy asshole. And I know you kimono-wearing rice eaters have more gods than you have wontons, but here in America we just have three. But even those guys we lump together into one to make it easier to keep track of them. And let me tell you something, anyone who pays attention to how this whole public praying thing works - and watches the ratio of requests to results -- knows that our Trinity God obviously just set prayer up as some type of placebo to give folks who would talk to themselves anyway an excuse. So, the thing is, you know you can pray for peace without ever having to worry about the Lord actually interfering with your secret-hush-hush already-set-in-stone plan to go kill some Iraqi butt. Next question. Tom.

TOM: Congratulations on lassoing Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, who was no doubt plotting to blow up the world while crouching in a third world sewer. My question is: how long until these religious fanatics, who have never in the past allied themselves with their supposedly current secular patron Saddam Hussein, unleash buckets of nuke pox on America's discount retail warehouses?

THE PRESIDENT: I don't want to speculate. Could be months, weeks, days... hours? Better watch your back and vote Republican. We're the party of protecting you, the 'with us' people, from pain and convenience depravation. I am here to protect you. I won't leave the US at the mercy of Saddam, eeeeeeevil Saddam, no sir. Or the UN. Or Ted Kennedy for that matter. September the 11th was a terrible tragedy that I somberly milk for political gain, and I will make extra sure this time, it never happens again. You can bet your peas and carrots on that. Okay, um, you - bowtie.

BOWTIE: Mr. President, what about the legions of protestors around the world who are urging peace and, in fact, assert that America is a danger to global security as well.

THE PRESIDENT: People in free societies, or America, have the right to more or less express their incorrect, babbling views for a brief period of time. However, they also have the right to wake up one morning baking in a barbwire box at the X-Ray Inn Cubano if they don't learn when to button their fat lips. You with that sweet smile.

MRS. PHILLIPS: Me?

THE PRESIDENT: No. Next to you.

MR. JACOBS: Me?

THE PRESIDENT: Yeah, you. And make this a good one.

MR. JACOBS: Mr. President, as a follow up to the previous question -

THE PRESIDENT: About who has the sweet smile? Well, I may be biased when it comes to pouty lips, but I think it's clear -

MR. JACOBS: No, Mr. President, the question from Mr. Lee. Since most countries have the impression that you made the implacable decision to go to war with Iraq several years ago, don't many of our traditional allies think that you are being disingenuous when you consult with them, pretending to care what they think and that their input will have any effect on the final decision to go to war?

THE PRESIDENT: When did I ever give those losers the idea I give a rat's ass what they think? If this administration has accomplished one thing in the years I have been holed up in this White House, it is teaching folks that wear lederhosens, berets or other faggy clothes, that I care about their opinions about as much as I care which opening Jenna gets pierced this week.

Frankly, coming from Texas, I'm surprised it is so hard to talk folks into killing. But it is the diplomatic thing to do to give honored international institutions a choice. For example, I have given the United Nations a choice this week. They can either rubber stamp Dick - ur, my policy - or I'll just turn that little building they use on the East River into a Holiday Inn.

Let me make something clear: we are going to war because I personally believe it is right thing to do. And if I'm not going to let Americans have a voice in that decision, I'm certainly not going to listen to some wimpy foreigner! When I put my hands on the Bible during my inauguration into office, I told the Lord Jesus that if I ever got a wild hair up my ass about killing folks, I would just go with it and that any peacenik voters out there could just choke on it. Please hear my heart as it tells you: this administration will not allow either foreigners or facts to stand in our way of killing us some Iraqis.

What these Krauts, Frogs, Ruskies and all the wetbacks in Latin America need to understand is that we in America are in a better position to understand this Saddam guy and how he thinks than they are. You see, we own weapons of mass destruction. And we are also going to defy the United Nations. So, we can really get into this guys head and beat him at his own game.

Next question. The bald guy.

MR. FLEISCHER: I can't ask a question.

THE PRESIDENT: Well, then stop frantically nodding your head backwards-and-forwards every time I'm fixing to say something. It's very unnerving – even on these Demorals.

Next. Comb-over fatso in the old sports coat who looks like he hasn't prepared anything.

MR. TOWNSEND: Mr. President, some are claiming that in your monomania to topple Saddam Hussein, you have not only allowed the United States economy to fall into neglected shambles, but you have also ignored the much greater threat posed by North Korea.

THE PRESIDENT: Them dog-eaters are a regional concern. Iraq is an international concern. And I am here to protect the American people - well, unless they're colored or happen to be wearing an army uniform right about now.

MR. TOWNSEND: But Iraq has no weapons that could reach the United States, and Korea does. So how can it be that, of the two, Korea is only a "regional" concern?

THE PRESIDENT: Well, if you lived in the Pacific Northwest region - like in Seattle - I bet you'd be concerned, too. Duh. Next! The black chick who always throws me a softball question about whether it helps when you are about to kill thousands of folks that you publicly talk about that Price of Peace guy all the time.

MISS SANDERS: You say that you hope that war won't be necessary because shedding the blood of American service men and woman is always your last option. You say that you are praying that war is not necessary. You say that the decision to go to war has not been made. But how do you respond to the fact that State Department officials have already told our allies that your decision to go to war is a "done deal." Isn't tonight just a cynical pack of lies trotted out in hopes of some public relations boast after getting your head handed to your diplomatically by the French, Germans and Russians yesterday?

THE PRESIDENT: You know, when I picked you, that wasn't the question you had told Dick you would ask. I'd like to pick again.

MISS SANDERS: And I would like an answer to my question.

THE PRESIDENT: Terror. Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Terror. Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Terror. Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Terror. Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Terror. Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Terror. Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Terror. Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Terror. Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Terror. Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Terror. Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Terror. Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Terror. Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Terror. Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Terror. Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Terror. Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Thank you. Good night.

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