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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - March 1, 2003 - 10:04 A.M. (EST)

Statement by the Press Secretary to the Christian Coalition

Mr. Fleischer: Good morning. On behalf of the Bush Administration, I am honored to appear here today at the Christian Coalition of America's Annual Shareholder's Meeting.


Yesterday, with inaccurate liberal polls showing President Bush's approval rating at a new low, and less than half of Americans indicating they will support his reelection, the President was both shocked and dismayed to be confronted with the utterly preposterous charge that his plans to senselessly doom American GI's in chemical and biological warfare with Iraq is inspired by wholly craven and purely political motives. Today, I am here to publicly vocalize without smirking the White House's assertion that this is untrue.

Last night, the President called an emergency meeting of his top advisers in the Presidential Prayer Squad to discuss the Administration's overarching concern and principal goal for America's future: his reelection in 2004. Working feverishly until dawn with PPS leaders Deacon Fred and Brother Harry Hardwick, the President arrived at a plan of action which will ensure that his political future does not mimic that of his vaguely effeminate father. Let the record state that the Prayer Squad's painstakingly objective analysis involved reviewing opinion polls of NRA members, Heritage Foundation economic forecasts, back episodes of the Greatest American Hero and, most importantly, the Holy Bible.

This morning, it falls to me to announce the inescapable conclusion of that Godly session: while the spilling of small oceans of American blood into Iraqi sand will most certainly spur the public to rally around the President, our Christ-appointed leader's domestic policies (or lack thereof) will unfortunately ensure his political demise unless the public can once again be terrified into supporting him, no matter what the cost. Nevertheless, rest assured that these radical fringe charges that our Commander in Chief is knowingly marching a quarter million innocent GI's to the sacrificial altar of political expediency are patently false!

True, the President's cries to the public that tax cuts for "We the Wildly Affluent People" are the key to economic recovery have fallen on mostly deaf ears. For some reason, most of you Joe Sixpacks just won't believe that giving the rich more stock dividends is going to kickstart your Wal-Mart impulse-buying engine. That means we're left with a plan that gives money to the rich while slashing virtually all social programs for the middle class and poor while raising deficits to their highest levels ever. That's an agenda even Herbert Hoover couldn't have dreamed up. In other words, our President's only hope for reelection is a public so terrified of unseen Arabiac bogeymen, they will actively embrace an agenda of militaristically ruthless, quasi-fascistic Christian empire-building.


Going forward, it is important that people recognize that the upcoming War on Iraq, replete with inevitable death for untold numbers of Americans and sand negroes alike, was in NO WAY conceived as the key to victory in 2004 that it is. No, this war is a purely high-minded endeavor, which will play out in one of two scenarios:

Scenario 1: A Prolonged and Dirty War.

This is a likely scenario inasmuch as the Administration has done its best to push Saddam Hussein into a nothing-to-lose corner. The President has said war will not stop until Saddam is removed from power to be tried for war crimes. This means there is no disincentive to Saddam using every chemical and biological agent at his disposal while launching missiles at Israel, Turkey and anyone else hungrily suckling at the U.S. cash teat. This may result in thousands of American casualties, thereby easily prolonging the war until well after the 2004 elections. The public historically supports the Commander-in-Chief in times of war, regardless of whether or not the depression has already begun.

Scenario 2: A Quick Victory Followed by Terrorism.

Overthrowing Saddam and establishing a U.S. territorial government in Iraq is certain to motivate Osama bin Laden and his cohorts to strike again at American targets with a vengeance that rivals 9/11. The result will be thousands of American casualties and a renewed call for yet another lengthy military engagement wherein the United States bombs back to the stone age any Middle Eastern armpit country in which terrorists are alleged to have once slept. Again, we will still be at war for the 2004 election season.

Under either scenario, a second term is ensured. The panel concluded that, because a third term is not allowed by the Constitution, the long-term implications of either scenario are irrelevant and need not be evaluated. But once again, I want to take pains to assure you gentlemen, along with the rest of the predominantly already-red-voting-states, that these militaristically humanitarian calculations have NOTHING to do with callously disregarding the so-called worth of enlisted soldier life in the name of a thousand-year GOP reign. No sir. They just don't. It's appalling to even suggest such a thing.


Thank you. I've appreciated your hospitality this morning. As a hell-bound Jew, I'm still adjusting to you folks having found a use for my people, but in the end, I'll take what I can get - even this all-ham breakfast platter.


Thank you.


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