STATEMENT BY PRESS SECRETARY FLEISCHER INTRODUCING REVISED FEDERAL FRANCE-BASHING STANDARDS & GUIDELINES
White House Press Briefing
MR. FLEISCHER: Good afternoon. As you know, the French have always been a thorn in the side to
everyone. Well, except Hitler. Recently, however, their pompous misapprehension that they actually
matter has taken a decidedly annoying turn. Indeed, these Gallic (Chiraqi) cowards
have gotten it into their goose-liver-stuffed heads that America can't do anything it goddamned well feels like!
President Bush is dismayed by this,
especially inasmuch as it negatively impacts his plans to carry out a personal vendetta against
That's why – on White House orders – America's right-wing commentators and talk-radio junkies
have been busy attempting to come up with clever insults to ridicule that nation of
fussy-yet-filthy pansies. Unfortunately, even their best taunts have thus far been embarrassingly banal
and puerile. Even Ann Coulter, who can usually be relied upon for a whole playgrounds-worth
of ad hominem heckling, has not proved up to the task. Perhaps, as our Homeland Security operatives
have observed, this may be because her surname has a decidedly Frenchy ring to it. We are, of course,
looking into that.
In any event, our showbiz contingent isn't cutting it - and since making sarcastic comments about
those effete, brie-smearing Nazi-suckers across the Atlantic is currently this nation's top
foreign policy priority, the President has seen fit to call in the prestigiously expensive and
breathlessly self-possessed advertising agency Saatchi & Saatchi to finish the job. This $175,000,000 contract
will be financed by taxpayer funds earmarked from what used to be called the "Federal Budget,"
which was renamed pursuant to Executive Order No. 9,439 more simply as "Petty Cash."
As such, I'm pleased to be presenting the fruits of their corporate labors today, in the form
of the officially revised Federal France-Bashing Standards & Guidelines. All Americans are urged
to adhere to them carefully.
FEDERAL FRANCE-BASHING STANDARDS & GUIDELINES
Effective immediately, Americans are directed to discontinue use of the word "French."
For example, henceforth, that overly-sweet, bloody liquid slathered on yellowed iceberg lettuce at Shoney's shall be
"Prancing Snail Swallower Dressing;" those greasy sticks of carbohydrates and sodium kept warm for hours under heat
lamps at McDonald's shall be "Beret Wearing Pansy Fries" (and shall no longer be available in any size other than
"embarrassingly small"); and restaurants throughout the land will begin serving "Unbathed Asshole Onion Soup."
Americans shall promptly initiate a boycott of the "French Kiss" – replacing it with PATRIOTIC expressions of affection
such as the "Texas Uvula Wallop" and the "Dixieland Stinky Finger."
Upon sipping from any glass or bottle of inferior French wine in a restaurant, all citizens are hereby directed to
spit it onto the floor before braying that the imported beverage was either "too flinty" or "indistinguishable from a
rancid slick of year-old poodle menses" before loudly ordering a refreshing 48 oz. Gallo Peach Liebfraumilch slushy
as a replacement.
All American colleges and universities must immediately dispense with the folly of teaching the pathetic "Soft Philosophies"
of Voltaire, Sartre, and Descartes - and begin aggressively indoctrinating our starry-eyed youth to the profound,
righteous, and less tediously cerebral works of Hannity, Rumsfeld, Noonan, and The Rock.
Moving forward, U.S. journalists and historians alike are to incinerate any liberal textbooks which incorrectly
assert that the French saved our ragtag, shoeless asses at Yorktown during America's noble fight for independence from those
charmingly irascible and currently endearing limeys (a struggle now rendered ironically moot by Britain's decision to fork
over what little sovereignty they didn't give to the European Socialist Union to our State Department).
Should they find their personal space violated by an actual French person, whether in New York, Topeka or Paris,
Americans should demonstrate their unswerving love of country by informing the Franko Sapiens in question
about a recent innovation called "the shower" and then, before the rebuked Frog can make some sour, smelly
retort in that bitchy French way of theirs, douse them with a mixture of J-Lo perfume and pepper spray, taking
care not to get the lethal mixture on any of the fourteen colors you happen to be wearing. Then, as they're
writhing in agony - screaming that incomprehensible jibberish of theirs - tell them that their
supposed military genius and 19th century Saddam Hussein progenitor Napoleon could only overcome
his crippling impotence (the bane of ALL Frenchmen) by satiating a deviant sexual appetite for basting
his prostitute wife Josephine in superior American coffee!