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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - February 6, 2003 - 12:29 P.M. (EST)

SECRETARY RUMSFELD RELEASES FINAL, IRONCLAD PROOF OF IRAQ'S OBSTINATE YEARNING FOR NAPALM COLONICS OF FREEDOM
Statement by the Secretary of Defense

SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Good afternoon. Yesterday, my closet liberal colleague Colin Powell, while giving a presentation to the United Nations, did like a good soldier and obeyed orders when I told him, "Boy, you keep your dumb girly world peace ideas under your afro and just present that mountain of blurry Polaroids and confessions under torture we've compiled for you." But today, with many UN diplomats STILL aligning themselves with France and Germany in a desire to swirl their sticky bureaucrat tongues around Saddam Hussein's cornhole of terror, it falls to me to deliver the final pieces of the puzzle - the last few shreds of United States intelligence which will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that despite all the diplomatic posturing, what the people of Iraq truly crave are a few hundred thousand or so of Big Rummy's Napalm Colonics of Freedom. My proof is as follows:

EXHIBIT A: See satellite reconnaissance and undercover spy photos at right.

EXHIBIT B: CLASSIFIED TRANSCRIPT OF INTERCEPTED COMMUNICATION BETWEEN IRAQI CENTRAL COMMAND AND NO-FLY ZONE GROUND FORCES

(AS TRANSLATED FROM THE ORIGINAL ARABIAC)

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

CENTRAL COMMAND: Ahmet! Did you do it?

NFZ GROUND FORCES: Do what?

CENTRAL COMMAND: Move the thing!

NFZ GROUND FORCES: What thing?

CENTRAL COMMAND: You know!

NFZ GROUND FORCES: Ummmmmmmmm. The thing?

CENTRAL COMMAND: Yes, the thing!

NFZ GROUND FORCES: What of this thing?

CENTRAL COMMAND: Did you move it?

NFZ GROUND FORCES: I moved it.

CENTRAL COMMAND: Very well. And what of the stuff?

NFZ GROUND FORCES: The stuff?

CENTRAL COMMAND: Yes! The stuff in the place!

NFZ GROUND FORCES: Ohhhhhh. The place! Yes, I know of this stuff.

CENTRAL COMMAND: Excellent. [Indecipherable mumbling] AL QAEDA IN THE HIZZY! What is UP my non-secular fundamental terrorist brother [Indecipherable mumbling] Just a sec... Everything is fine here.

NFZ GROUND FORCES: Very good.

CENTRAL COMMAND: Praise be to Allah.

NFZ GROUND FORCES: Peace be upon you.

CENTRAL COMMAND: Central Command out.

NFZ GROUND FORCES: NFZ Ground Forces over and out.

[END TRANSCRIPT]

EXHIBIT A:



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