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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - January 21, 2003 - 4:01 P.M. (EST)

PRESIDENT REASSURES U.S.: "OUR RIGHTEOUS SLAUGHTER OF IRAQI BABIES SHALL NOT BE THWARTED BY FRAIDY CAT EURO-FAGGOTS!"
Statement by the President

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Please be seated. This is going to be quick – I want to get back to that freshly-cracked box of Slim-Jims in the war room.

This morning, I looked on in utter disgust as FOX NEWS reported that a majority of Americans have traitorously informed pollsters that not only do they doubt my ability to handle America's foreigner policy with alien nations, but that they also think I'm moving too fast to send legions of the expendable darkies in our military to die gruesomely while exacting my completely non-personal vengeance on Saddam Hussein.

Of course, I knew immediately that something was terribly wrong. Real Americans would never allow themselves to forget that I became twice as intelligent and competent the moment planes started slamming into buildings on 9/11/2001. They would never forget how I was instantly transformed from a non-elected colossal joke into a throbbing pillar of Presidential talent incapable of making mistakes. No, they would never do any of these things... unless some external force was influencing them and turning them against me.

Confident in that knowledge, I was hardly surprised to learn several hours later that both Germany and France have grown increasingly vocal in their cowardly opposition to my oil-fueled megalomaniacal whims of daddy's-boy fancy. Yes, unlike the snaggletoothed limeys who do whatever the hell I say, Germany and France seem intent on attempting to flex whatever passes for muscle on those scrawny, pathetic arms of theirs. Yes, if you can believe it, they actually want me to DELAY giving my approval ratings a fat boost by turning a bunch of worthless Arabiacs into Allah-flavored Pop-Tarts. Hell, everything these people do is like a rerun of one of their goddamned queer art movies, and I'm not interested in watching it - especially not the same week Disney's got Flipper in heavy rotation.

And that's why today, I am here to assure to all citizens of the United States that no matter what, our righteous slaughter of innocent Iraqi women and babies will NOT be thwarted by a gaggle of fraidy cat Euro-faggots from Germany and France. No sir, we will not fear them - and not just because we can't understand that stupid gibberish of theirs they insist on talking instead of regular English. No, we will not fear them because they are pussy has-been countries, that even together couldn't hog-tie a longhorn in half the time I could solo - even with one nut tied behind my ass cheek.

In closing, I hereby command all Americans who both love their country and hate Germany and France to PROVE IT by purchasing and proudly wearing all manner of fine "Europe is for HOMOS" gear from the official WHITEHOUSE.ORG gift boutique. By demonstrating our solidarity thusly, it will make our victory over the smoldering ruins of yet another impoverished desert armpit of a Middle Eastern country that much more glorious! And then we shall revel in our collective magnificence, and vote together overwhelmingly to re-elect yours truly for another four years of gutting the environment, stocking the courts with anti-civil-liberties right-wingers, and lining the pockets of my billionaire cronies!

(Applause.)

Thank you. That is all.

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