THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. OK, let's begin, because I'm not in the mood to beat around the arbusto today.

The following remarks go out to a certain few million thankless South Koreans who've been doing a whole lot of whining lately: mostly whining about the United States, but also whining about some dumb movie where that limey faggot James Bond teams up with a semi-colored titty-girl to kick the same slant-eyed commie ass that wants to nuke you beagle-eating sons of bitches into the Yellow Sea.

Now look, I know why some of you people are upset. And yes, it's true that our Army boys make some completely innocent mistakes sometimes - like when they gang-rape a Japanese hottie or two on Okinawa every year. But hey, that's the cost of Asian freedom, and if you ask me, having a couple Korean girls get smooshka'ed because they were too stupid to get out of the way of an oncoming tank is a small price to pay for not having been smoking Mao's dead, shriveled pole for the last fifty years.

But I want all the people of South Korea to know that for what it's worth, their searing, white-hot hatred of the United States is a one-way street. Americans (myself included) have nothing but the greatest apathy when it comes to you and your backwater non-country. So long as you behave yourselves, and keep shipping out boatloads of cheap, inferior Samsung electronics and those kimchi-burning Hyundai jokes you call SUV's, my administration is perfectly happy to let South Korea continue to pretend it is a sovereign nation.

But hey, if at the end of the day, you folks really want the American military out of your back yard, then so be it. Truth is, I've got hundreds of voters e-mailing me every day to say I oughta just let you people fend for yourselves when Kim Jong Il comes storming through the DMZ to do shots of Soju over your crispy-fried, whiny-assed corpses. And you know what? With this second Great Depression I'm brewing here in the States, I'm going to need every ballot I can get next election. So make up your minds one way or the other, but be sure to let me know before the 2004 GOP convention kicks off in Jew York City.

In closing, I want to touch on this James Bond boycott nonsense briefly. Now I'm no friend to the liberal Democrat homos who churn out that Hollywood garbage, but I have to tell you, if there's one thing I respect more than cultural hegemony, it's a business contract - and inasmuch as your country committed to distribute the MGM franchise in question, you people had damned well better drag your garlic-breath asses out and see it! So what if Remington Steele paints the wholly accurate portrait that you're all a bunch of ox-driving father-murderers who want nothing more than to be white. Yeah, the truth hurts. How do you think I feel when those dickhead interweb losers publish garbage about me being a coked-up, moronic daddy's boy? I feel pretty lousy. But I don't go stamping my feet and crying about it, because I'm not a woman. Understand?

Anyway, that's all I have to say. I trust that once enough South Koreans have heard my thoughts on this matter, that they'll quit it with the retard rabble-rousing that's contributing to a global wellspring of unbridled hatred for yours truly.

Thank you. No questions, please.

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