THE PRESIDENT: Good morning, Army men.

(Group shout of "GOOD MORNING MISTER PRESIDENT, SIR!")

It is so good to be back in Texas for the first of my annual twelve extended holidays. I can't tell you how refreshing it is to mingle with all the regular folks of this grand, Yankee-hating, unregulated industry-loving state of well-manicured, Viagra-popping cowboy paranoids. And it is doubly neat to stand here before you boys - and patriotically closeted lezbos - and breathe in your collective ass-kicking body odor. That's the smell of American Justice, and I take great pleasure in knowing it's the last thing my personal enemies will be sniffing before drowning in buckets of their own blood!

(Cheers.)

As you sorry underclass grunts in the military know, there are two realities: what civilians want to hear, and the truth. So you'll forgive me if my remarks today aren't filled with a bunch of politically correct bullshit. We understand each other - you kill for money, and my morally bankrupt posse of visionless corporate vaqueros and I give you the assassination orders wrapped in a soggy hamburger bun of vacuous patriotism.

Today, I wanted to reiterate for all of you the longstanding Pentagon policy which states that America has the capability to fight and win two wars simultaneously. This policy has never been more true than today. Presumably, these two conflicts would be fought in Asia or the Middle East. But this morning, I had a big idea over my bowl of Grape Nuts, and I wanted to share it with you fighting fellas before anyone else.

You see, I'm a Texan - or so says my heavily edited bio - and I like things BIG. So while Senator Doctor Frist and I spin the public's wheels with fantasies of workable health care legislation, I am going to dispatch Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld to increase our military capability. Instead of two wars, I want to have the capacity to fight SIX WARS at once and lick each and every motherfucker who steps up to the flaming paddle plate for his righteous ass beating.

Currently, we would win these economy-enriching, election-capturing wars if the six offending countries were Holland, New Zealand, Luxembourg, Vermont, Narnia, and Education.

(Cheers.)

But wait, there's more! Starting today, every Friday in the mess hall is all-you-can-eat jalapeno popper night!

(Primal howls.)

Now, since we're all friends: I don't think anyone will disagree with me when I state the obvious fact that the military is a de facto suckling pig gnawing on the Republican tit? I mean, ain't any cocksucking hippies out there, right?

(Shouts of "NO, SIR!")

Well, don't forget it! Remember that our party is the anti-big government party. We're against using your hard-earned tax dollars to buy feed for lazy, darkie cripples. We're against regulating my crony buddies, who just want to make sure their great-great-great grandchildren have enough blood money to employ thousands of mutant Iraqis as toilet scrubbers in their lunar pod-cities. We're against health coverage for children stupid enough to be born poor.

So, before I jump back on my copter and take a nap, I just want to take a moment to thank Jesus Christ for putting the largest, porkiest military base here in self-reliant Texas.

God bless all of you. And providing you don't go AWOL like I did, I promise to call your mommas personally when and if you're killed while fighting to protect the business interests of my family.

(Cheers.)

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