DISPATCH - 02.18.02

SOFT MONEY? Hallelujah! Campaign Finance Reform passed in the House, and President Bush couldn't be more enthusiastically noncommittal if he tried! You didn't hear about it from us, but apparently the President was shocked to learn about the evils of this "soft money" business, and he's currently burning the midnight oil absorbing as much information on the subject as he can. Once he has an informed, Gallup Poll-based opinion, he will weigh in on this very important election year issue in such a way that will both appease the public and kowtow to the Christian Right. Until then, he's going to continue feeding starving orphans, combating evil, and letting freedom ring.

SAVING THE WORLD
While Godless Arabs and sissy European elites have so-called "irrefutable science" on their side, the President has something a little more substantial on his side – Victory in Afghanistan. And so the President will soon reveal the details of his alternate energy plan and show the world what a sham the Kyoto Global Warming Treaty was. Written in longhand on three pages of legal pad, the President has outlined how we can pretend to cut back on the imaginary "Green House Effect." For instance, did you know that giant ice cubes in the ocean can and will keep glaciers from melting? Or that holding in one's farts after a particularly mean bowl of Texas chili can help reduce ozone-depleting methane emissions by upwards of 78%? Further details of the War Hero-in-Chief's plan to save the world while producing more oil will be leaked to the press soon.

BABY COME BACK:
In the past, The President has spoken about his opposition to human cloning. But recently, inspired by an intense conversation with Jesus Christ while piously rocking out to the music stylings of the band Chicago, the President is on the verge of unveiling a top-secret plan titled "Operation Baby Come Back." The President will ask the scientific community to devise a process for cloning every unborn child aborted since Roe v. Wade. These overwhelmingly poor and colored dead babies will be given a new life, and will eventually have the honor of working 18-hour days in non-unionized warehouses for Nike, Mattel, and Lockheed Martin. Praise be! Forget the Manhattan Project, loyal patriots, this project will ensure low-wage Christian labor for decades to come!

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