PRESIDENT BUSH OPPOSES REP. CHARLES RANGEL'S PROPOSAL TO WEAKEN THE MILITARY BY REINSTATING THE WHITE IVY LEAGUE DRAFT
Statement by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. As many of you know, this morning saw the publication of an Op-Ed piece
in the Jew York Times by liberal Congressman Charles Rangel, in which he calls for a reinstatement
of a military draft which is blind to both the color and socioeconomic status of potential draftees. Well I speak
for all Caucasian millionaire war hawk Republicans with no relatives pathetic enough to be slumming it in the
military when I say that I am categorically and inalterably opposed to such a dangerous and repugnantly
Populistic move.
Now inasmuch as I strive to create the illusion that I collaborate with my political enemies, I called Congressman
Rangel this morning, and I told him outright how I feel. I said, "Now listen Unky Remus (that's my little nickname
for him) - I am NOT for this little Reverse Affirmative Action draft of yours. I am for an army of lower-class teens
whose dreams of a better life instill in them a compulsion to march into napalm grenades all for the benefit
of Ivy League princes such as myself whose lives must be protected if this country is to continue its proud
tradition of inbred plutocratic rule." Well, the Congressman disagreed with me, and that's still his pre-war right.
But as President, I want to assure all affluent Americans that there's not a chance in hell they're going to
see their blue-eyed, blond-haired trust fund babies march off to die in a biochemical war just so some colored
Harlem crybaby can work out his racial blood lust in the name of "shared sacrifice" and the "citizen soldier."
Besides, as I've stated over 26,000 times since going AWOL from the National Guard in 1972, I am for a STRONG
military. And as a man who lets common sense dictate all his decisions, it seems to me that Congressman Rangel's
idea is about as good as a bucket of month-old KFC. I mean, who do you want defending you: a bunch of scrawny,
squash-playing Ivy League fratboys, or fearsome gold-toothed Compton carjackers packing their own TEK-9's? Seems
like one hell of a no-brainer to me, Charlie! Why do you think President Reagan ordered that 75% of our
recruitment centers be in ghettos? Hell, there's no weapons training required for those boys! It's just
unwrap, point, and shoot!
Moreso, America's princes and princesses don't have the kind of hunger that actual hungry people do. Hell,
some of America's poorest Mezzicans, Slopes, and Dot-heads will hurdle razorwire, absorb shrapnel,
and dance sexy-hot Tango with the Grim Reaper himself so long as there's a moldy strawberry Pop-Tart in
their field rations. And THAT is the kind of determination that will make it possible for America to
conquer the world, starting with those dirtbag Arabiacs and kimchee-breathing Koreans.
(Applause.)
Thank you, and Happy New Year.
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