COMPLETE TRANSCRIPT OF SENATE MAJORITY LEADER TRENT LOTT'S APPEARANCE ON BLACK ENTERTAINMENT TELEVISION
Certified Government Transcript
THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. As you know, I'm a humble man of principles. I only do what I feel is right in the
heart of my pollsters, which is why I'm gearing up to stick it to Senate Majority Liability Trent Lott but good.
But before I do, I'd like y'all to reconsider one last time. Read what Trent said on something called "BET" last
night, and if you still aren't convinced that Republicans can pretend to be sensitive, then me and Karl will string
Captain Hairpiece's ass up from the highest tree and sip Mint Juleps while he twitches. Roll tape.
[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]
MISS CLEO: Welcome back, brothers and sisters! We hope you enjoyed that brief fifteen minute block of messages from the
sponsors of my infomercial! But now, on behalf of the management of Black Entertainment Television, I want to tell you that it's
OK to put down your credit cards for the next three minutes or so, because we have a very special guest joining us
today - Senate Majority Leader TRENT LOTT, who's here in a last-ditch effort to try to erase a lifetime of racist politics
by using that little pink pig snout of his to root for truffles in our collective booty crack!
(Boos.)
SENATOR LOTT: Thank you, Mammy Cleo. It's my pleasure to be the first ever Republican to appear here on
the colored channel. You know, many's the evening Tricia and I turn on BET and "get niggy with it" to the "hip-bopper"
videos and such.
Really fabulous stuff!
MISS CLEO: So Trent, there's a lots of people out there saying you don't like us black folks. What gives?
SENATOR LOTT: Well you know, it's important to me that people don't believe that, regardless of what
my daughter told the Ku Klux Klan on Friday. True, I fought tooth and nail to keep
you people out of my college fraternity, and I've voted against affirmative action, Martin Luther King Day, and pretty
much anything that all you nigr--, uh, darki--, uh... all you Africanioids have wanted the past thirty years -
but still, I desperately want you to believe me when I say that I'm really, really SORRY that what I said
at Strom Thurmond's birthday party brought my life's record and deepest held convictions into such searingly accurate focus.
Furthermore, it pains me greatly to think that people would draw the correct conclusion that all white Republicans share
my feelings on this matter, because honestly, we need to trick at least 5% of you people into voting for us every year
if we're going to stay rich.
MISS CLEO: Well Trent, you know we're going to need quite a bit of convincing. What else are you willing to do to get
our votes and save your job in the Senate?
SENATOR LOTT: Well I'm glad you asked. Because I've put together a little list of events which make up my itinerary for
the next week. When I've finished them, I'm counting on this whole shi-bang having blown over once and for all.
Here it is:
- Tuesday: Book club/slumber party with Oprah and Toni Morrison
- Wednesday: Distributing Holiday Greetings in Harlem
- Thursday: Recreational Cotton Picking back in "The New Mississippi"
- Friday: Smearing myself in black shoe polish and trying to hail cabs in Manhattan
- Saturday: Singing "Swing Low" with Method Man & Snoop Dog at the Apollo Theatre
- Sunday: Eating collard greens with honorary brother Bill Clinton
- Monday: Photo session where I lovingly pick Cornel West's afro
MISS CLEO: That sounds real good, Trent! You do that, and I think we can forgive you!
SENATOR LOTT: Well you know, it's been my pleasure to appear here and eat watermelon-flavored crow, and I hope that
people have been sufficiently moved by my ability to touch you and not compulsively wash off the cooties with HandyWipes.
MISS CLEO: OK. That's a wrap. Let's have a big hand for our special guest Senator Trent Lott!
(Boos.)
[END TRANSCRIPT]
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