THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Please be seated. Today, with the Republican party having seized absolute control of the federal government, I am pleased to revel in my newfound ability to pass controversial legislation easier than a diesel steamroller crushes skulls in an unmarked mass grave of atheists.

You know friends, until I was almost elected two years ago, government was often slow to recognize the importance of faith-based and community efforts. That's changing. And more changes are needed. So today, I'm pleased to announce an initial list of religious charities which will henceforth receive billions of taxpayer dollars direct from the federal government. And rest assured friends, this is only the beginning. (Applause.)

CHARITY:	REQUESTED DISBURSEMENT:	STATUS:
The Pope John Paul II Prepubescent Temptress Overnight Camp for Youth Morality & Wrestling Advancement	$9,200,000.00	APPROVED
The Latter Day Saints Council on Missionary Position Affairs	$450,000.00	APPROVED
Society for the Methodical Elimination of Non-Christian Gods Literacy Program	$8,400,000.00	APPROVED
West Texas Faith-Healing and Wetback Relocation Project	$7,500,000.00	APPROVED
Christian Crackwhore Ministries of America	$4,060,000.00	APPROVED
Jerry's Yids	$19,225.00	REJECTED
The Jonestown Family Nutrition Project	$9,200,000.00	APPROVED
The Reverend Sun Myung Moon's "Conjugal Contentment Through Anonymous Couplings Program"	$2,600,000.00	APPROVED
Pat Robertson's Raghead Re-Education Militia	$6,200,000.00	APPROVED
The Landover Baptist Homosexual Deprogramming Ministry	$75,200,000.00	APPROVED
Buddhists United for World Peace & Harmony	$0.00	REJECTED
The Branch Dividian Gun & Fire Safety Program	$1,200,000.00	APPROVED
The Jerry Falwell "Shiksa Redeemer" Assocation	$2,000,000.00	APPROVED
Greater Chicago Abortionist Stalking Society	$1,200,000.00	APPROVED
The "Allah is Love" Muslim Anti-Defamation Library & Foodbank	$125.00	REJECTED
Coral Ridge Ministries Foundation for Creationist Biology	$13,550,000.00	APPROVED
Billy Graham's "Smelting Down Gold Crowns Off the Molars of Dead Homeless Colored Fellas" Campaign	$11,750,000.00	APPROVED
Hindu Coalition for No-Strings Benevolence	$795.00	REJECTED
The Jimmy Swaggart Center for Motor Lodge Righteousness	$1,200,000.00	APPROVED
Westboro Baptist Church Sexual Orientation Support Network	$1,200,000.00	APPROVED
The Hare Krishna Head Lice Relief Council	$10,795.00	REJECTED
The Jesus Drinks Pepsi™ With Third World Children Project	$22,200,000.00	APPROVED

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