THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon, children of Booker T. Washington Elementary School. Please be quiet and pay attention. This year, for the 2002 Presidential Children's Story Hour, I had intended to read aloud to you from Lynne Cheney's brilliant College: Cesspool of Intelligentsia, but at the last minute, Senator Trent Lott urged me to not only let him do the talking, but to read from a different volume altogether. Well he didn't have to ask twice, so let's put our hands together for Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott!

(Applause.)

SENATOR LOTT: Thank you President Bush, and hello children. Today, I will be reading aloud from a heartwarming book that is beloved in my home state of Mississippi, as well as the home state of my dear friend and mentor Senator Strom Thurmond of South Carolina. It's called Shaniqua: The Little Negress That Couldn't, by Mrs. Eunice Wallace-Duke.

(Applause.)

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Let's begin, shall we?

Chapter four. Shaniqua and Tyrone arrived home long after dark. They both felt the bone-weary satisfaction brought on by a sixteen-hour day picking cotton in the fields, and they were proud to have the privilege of reclining on mildewed straw mats beneath the rusty tin roof of the decrepit, vermin-infested outhouse the benevolent master let them mortgage.

"Tyrone?," said Shaniqua. "Do you think that tomorrow, the master will allow us the honor of digging ditches for no pay, or perhaps even cleaning out the pig pens at high noon?"

"Sho nuff, Shaniqua! He done axed me yessirday if'n I'ze wuz ready fo dat!," answered Tyrone.

Shaniqua thought to herself, "That's good to hear. I know that the master needs us to work our fingers bloody in order to make Segregation Plantation look beautiful during President Thurmond's visit next week. Videographers will be shooting footage for El Capi-Strom's re-election commercials, and I would hate for their message to be sullied by a less-than-perfect backdrop."

"Shaniqua?," inquired Tyrone, "How come don't no white folk live round he'ah?"

Shaniqua sighed. "It's called 'separate but equal,' Tyrone - and we must never forget how much we really really really LIKE it that way. Remember, if President Thurmond hadn't been elected to the first of his twelve consecutive terms back in 1948, there would be white liberals just swarming around this plantation expecting us to go out and make all kinds of nasty terrible waves that would rock the boat."

"Shaniqua?," said Tyrone, "Ain't hardly no water round he'ah on da plantation fo makin' waves. Jez dat old crick we gets to take our baffs in!"

Exasperated, Shaniqua continued to explain the way of things to Tyrone. "By 'make waves,' I mean that anti-family America-haters would actually want colored folks like me and you to go out and steal all the jobs where you DON'T get covered in feces away from the nice white people. Not only that, they'd expect us to do all kinds of stuff with whitey - like eat at the same lunch counters, share seats on buses and trains - even use the same swimming pools and churches!"

Tyrone was puzzled. "What's wrong wif dat, Shaniqua?"

"Tyrone! We'd get the white people dirty!"

"Oooooooooooh," said Tyrone. "And dat would be real bad, right Shaniqua?"

Shaniqua smiled and nodded her head. "Yes it would, Tyrone. Because you and I are very very happy nestled all snug and secure in the tender bosom of Jim Crow, and so long as President Thurmond stays alive, we can count on it staying this way for ever and ever and ever!"

"Shaniqua, I sho do hope to run for prezeedint some day."

"There's nothing stopping you, Tyrone! So long as you sneak past the attack dogs late at night, then manage to walk all the way to Canada without getting shot. There's lots of negro-lovin' homos up in Canada who'd be happy to vote for someone dumb enough to preserve socialized medicine. Someone just like YOU Tyrone!"

Tyrone frowned. "Dat sound awful dangerous. I'ze think I'ze gawn stay right he'ah instead! And Miss Shaniqua?"

"Yes, Tyrone?"

"I don't wanna never go rockin' no boat, neitha!"

"Good for you, Tyrone! That way, we'll all live happily ever after."

The end.

SENATOR LOTT: What a wonderful, wholesome, and uplifting story. I hope you children took it to heart as much as you really should. Thank you for coming.

(Applause.)

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