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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - November 26, 2002 - 10:32 A.M. (EST)

PRESIDENT BUSH ANNOUNCES DETAILS OF HIS TEN-POINT PLAN TO SAVE THE HOMELAND'S ENVIRONMENT FROM THE EPA
Press Briefing by the President

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. As you know, in the wake of the Republican Party's having been granted a sweeping mandate in the form of a 3% electoral edge, my administration threw a little "Gut the Clean Air Act" party last week. In the process, we obliterated the environmental legacy of that Jew-porker Bubba Clinton, threw a big juicy bone to our mega-polluting contributors from the energy and petrochemical industries, and (best of all) whipped those career tree-huggers at the EPA into a pants-pooping frenzy.

Unfortunately, the recent polls to which my administration pays ZERO HEED suggest that an overwhelming majority of Americans are infuriated by the specifics of my so-called "Clear Skies Initiative." (Which reminds me - please note that the upcoming decimation of Iraq has been named "Operation Hugs & Kisses.") Anyway, this morning, as part of my ongoing practice of manipulating sheep-like journalists into disseminating my vacuous propaganda, I wanted to take a moment to clarify the ten key points which make up my utterly sensible and sound environmental policy.

BUSH ADMINISTRATION ENVIRONMENTAL POLICY HALLMARKS

  1. The Bush Administration is committed to reducing the increase in phlegm emissions from asthmatic children by .002% by the year 2075.

  2. The Bush Administration promises efficient and speedy recycling of oil-soaked seagull and otter pelts into high-octane, SUV-friendly vroom-vroom juice.

  3. The Bush Administration is determined to keep America's groundwater safe from exposure to coal, which must be aggressively extracted from the earth and disposed of in clean, modern "enviro-furnaces."

  4. The Bush Administration will use every means at its disposal to protect Americans from the insidious byproducts of organic farming and solar energy poisoning.

  5. The Bush Administration will work diligently to protect the natural habitats of noble species such as the spotted owl, peppered moth, and Three Mile Island scorpion trout.

  6. The Bush Administration will move aggressively to combat the influence of cow farts on the totally made-up "Greenhouse Effect" - offering generous incentives to the Ponderosa Steakhouse Corporation to promote its important work in the bovine management sector.

  7. The Bush Administration will grant sweeping new pretend powers to EPA Director Christie Todd Whitman for use in her ongoing charade of womanish effectualism.

  8. The Bush Administration urges the Congress to pass the "Green Earth Day Act," in which we take the concept of "Earth Day," reinvent it as our own, make a few speeches, then pretend like something is actually getting done.

  9. The Bush Administration is resolute in its determination to safeguard the nation's food supply from bacterial contamination, and as such will be greatly expanding our preventative irradiation program at Yucca Mountain, Nevada.

  10. The Bush Administration, working closely with leaders from the Timber Industry, pledges to do its part to eliminate any and all Lyme Disease hot zones from sea to shining sea, replacing them with golf courses of such staggering accessibility, that all colored fathers will have the opportunity to max out their credit cards while tirelessly prodding their sons into becoming the next Puma Woods.


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