Dear Senator Jeffords,

What a strange and awkward time this is, what with the boys and me placed back in charge by sweeping mandate, and your buddies the Democrats shaking in their pumps. And then of course there's you – Independent, uppity, worthless you. I don't know if you remember the time last summer when you stabbed me in the back, twisted the knife 360°, then pulled it out and sheared off my political nutsack in one fell swoop – but I remember. Boy howdy do I remember, and so does everyone else here who's running the show now.

Sure, I also remember how you were once one of us. How you used to respect those born to disadvantaged, lower-upper-class estates who pulled themselves up by the loafer tassels to earn the fortunes that were their trustafarian birthrights. But watching you with those spineless fruit loop Democrats this year - knitting hacky sacks out of hemp twine, praying to Mecca, and using faith-based tax dollars to subsidize pre-teen abortion hobby kits - well it just about broke my heart

But I don't hold any hard feelings, Jimbo. You see, when you're oozing absolute power from every orifice of your body, you get new perspectives on things. I realize now how Republicans have a decree from Jesus himself to lord over the ignorant. And it's with just that in mind that Karl, Dick, and the GOP think tanks and God brokers have programmed one hell of a new season: The Scalia Supreme Court will triumphantly save women from themselves, while the Lott Senate fills the judiciary with so many righteous men, that no homo sniper Muslamoid porch monkey will ever again besmirch the reputation of perfectly harmless assault rifles. Lastly, the Hastert House will retrofit Gitmo Prison to accommodate lazy welfare mothers, credit card debtors, and anyone else we decide needs a little "time-out." We'll call it "St. Visa's Penitentiary for Ideological Undesirables."

Which brings me back to you, small fry. What will you be doing while all this happens? Maybe Democrat Minority Whiner-to-be Nancypants Pelosi (whose GOP documercial-making daughter totally has the sweaty panties for me) will invite you over for a toke or two of whatever it is that puts a perma-smile on that Botox pincushion she calls a face.

In closing, I just wanted to say that even though I detest you with a white-hot passion, I want to reassure you and all those hippy rednecks in your lousy single electoral vote People's Republic of Ganga cow pasture of a state that I bear no ill will towards you. Rest assured that Vermont will retain its favored status for receiving all manner of Federal subsidies, highway funds, and massive repositories of corroding tanks of nerve gas.

Hope you like your new office. The cleaning people did.

Yours,
    - GWB