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For Immediate Release
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Office of the Press Secretary
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November 5, 2002
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6:35 A.M. (EST)
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IN BRAVE DISPLAY OF BIPARTISAN BONHOMIE, PRESIDENT BUSH OFFERS ELECTION DAY BEST WISHES TO PROMINENT DEMOCRATS
Statement by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Today is election day, when a small minority of Americans attempt to distinguish themselves from the
rest of their lazy, apathetic, piss-ignorant countrymen by casting the worthless ballots which create a false illusion they are not already owned
lock, stock & barrel by my Fortune 100 brethren and me.
As the polls open in states all up and down the eastern seaboard this morning, I wanted to take a moment to rise above the partisan bickering,
mudslinging, and finger-pointing that has been the hallmark of the Democratic Party this year, and demonstrate my own magnanimousity by
wishing “Good Luck” to several of the most prominent Democrats in this year's elections.
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Bill McBride: Good job on a hard-fought campaign against my baby brother. In the unlikely event that Jeb's new and improved "Darkie Vote
Suppression" strategy doesn't work, and you actually win, I wish you much success with your secret plan to tax the panties off
quasi-rich Jew grannies, grant federal subsidies to Miami homo dance clubs, and offer increased communist support to Fidel Castro. Godspeed, Bill!
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Walter Mondale: It was very noble of you to come out of semi-retirement to fill Paul Wellstone's Minnesota Senate seat. It's always inspiring
when a hopelessly irrelevant liberal sneaks his way into history's footnotes on the back of a dead man. My dad and I had a good laugh,
remembering that time back in '84 when he and Uncle Ron took a monster dump on that embarassment you called a career. Go, Fritz, Go!
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Jennifer Granholm: You know I have to say, you're the best looking thing to come out of Michigan since the Chevy
Suburban. Has anyone ever told you how much you look like that broad in "The Contender?" It's true. Of course, everyone knows that your
college gang-bang photo shoot makes that fictional liberal Senator "Laine Hanson" look like Mother Theresa. Anyway - good luck today, Jenny!
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Frank Lautenberg: Good for you, Frank! Both Laura and I were so touched to learn that you somehow managed to temporarily shoo away
the grim reaper from his entrenched perch atop your hospital-style bedboard. I know how difficult it must be to run a campaign against
someone so much more qualified than you - especially when you're packing all those meds and your own dialysis machine! Go get them Jersey
voters, Frank!
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Tony Sanchez: Hola Tony. Me gusta businessmen y Mexicanitos. I think it's really cool you got to run and it goes to show – any
colored billionaire has the right to run a total minstrel show of a campaign. I'm sure you'd win – if Texas wasn't still smarting
from that whole Alamo thing. But seriously, give me a call on the welfare line and I'll let you help me shore up the Hispania vote in ’04!
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Gray Davis: Let's let bygones be bygones, Gray. However this election turns out, I know I can count on you to do your part to
carry on the proud California traditions of heroin abuse, AIDS, and mobs of angry black men hungry for white poontang. Let's make a deal – you
stay on your coast, I'll stay on mine. And when California sinks into the ocean, I'll watch from a safe distance on Fox News. Woo-hoo, Gray!
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Erskine Bowles: Ersky, baby! Speaking as someone who knows a thing or two about pretending to be a regular joe six-pack in a state filled
with tobacco-chompin' rednecks, I gotta give you props for your performance in North Carolina this year - especially what with you really being a preening,
sissy-boy liberal. And nice work trash-mouthing Big Dog Clinton on the S-E-X front. Sure, it would have been more compelling
if anyone believed you yourself have ever had S-E-X, but hey, you do what you can, right?! Now go get that bitch Liddy Dole!
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George Pataki: For a New York Yankee Democrat, George, there’s something about you that I like. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but
you're different from the rest. Anyway, good luck today against the billionaire lunatic and that boy cotton-picker who
was too stupid to stop talking about education and point out that half your state is unemployed! Rock on, George!
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Tim Johnson: I sure hope that you win in South Dakota, Tim. I know how much you enjoy being Benedict Daschle's little bitch boy. Besides, Washington just wouldn't be
the same without the two of you holding hands, skipping down the corridors of power, and totally making sure September 11th happens again and again.
I'm sure the forefathers had some kooky reason for giving each state two senators – even worthless states like yours that barely have
enough people to process Texas's trash! Just goes to show you – those wig-wearing colonial smartypants weren’t really so smart after all.
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