THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Several minutes ago, my gossipy aides alerted me to an emerging situation outside of Kansas City, Missouri, that frankly has me more concerned than any old sniper. It seems that the pansy liberal administrators of some school in the middle of a cornfield called East Lynne Elementary have cruelly punished an enterprising young lad for reading the purely informational, non-propagandistic materials published on the White House web site:

Yes, it seems this child was instructed to visit WHITEHOUSE.ORG by a teacher, and when he did, was then harshly disciplined by the school's administration, which is doubtless composed of a prancing pack of sour, tweed-clad homosexual liberal academiacs. Now they're telling this poor little fella he can't use any school computers for one calendar year. Can anyone tell me how any child is supposed to get a fair and balanced education in this day and age if he can't log on to FOXNEWS.COM and FREEREPUBLIC.COM at least three times a day?!

I'll bet you when that young man's teacher told her class to write papers on "First Lady Serial Killers," those fancy-pants liberal school administrators couldn't wait to read all about my sweet Laura drunkenly mowing down her impotent high school boyfriend – then backing that hot-pink Corvair over him a few more times before joining the girls for margaritas. Indeed, they'll read all day about a Republican's pastime as a one-girl automotive death squad, but those same feminazi vampires don't want students on my web site to find out the juicy trash on immoral, Christ-hating Democrats! Maybe they're afraid someone will read the part offering proof positive about how Hitlery Clintoon took a half-hour off from being a big ole lezbo to drive out to Fort Marcy Park and blow Vince Foster before she put a bullet in his head!

Asked why they were unfairly persecuting this poor boy, East Lynne Superintendent and Principal Dr. Dan Doerhoff said only, "We don't condone it. We don't like it." Well, we know you don't teach it either, Danno. Anyway, if you ask me, that fella sounds like just the type of Missouri girlyman who would waste a perfectly good ballot voting for a goddamned corpse instead of our beloved Attorney General. But what do you expect from folks so stupid they call their city after someone else's state?

Speaking of John Ashcroft, what with Missouri being his homeland, I have asked him to launch an aggressive investigation into the tax and sexual histories of any and all educators in the greater Kansas City metro area who might share old Dr. Dan's sissy leftist views on this matter. In time, I am confident that justice will prevail.

In closing, all of this just goes to prove that public schools are cesspools controlled by knee-jerk, politically correct queers who are hell-bent on luring our young boys away from playing violent computer games so they can tap dance to Cat Stevens. So let this be a lesson to all Americans: support school vouchers, or the children of different tax brackets will continue to form a disgusting broth stirred up by pony-tailed molesters who read too much Maya Angelou.

Thank you, and God Bless America.

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