THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Please be seated. As Americans, we cherish many of the laws on which our infinitely superior nation depends to keep it from descending into anarchy and liberalism. Our founding fathers demonstrated incredible smartitude when inventing these basic rules, which they wrote out longhand on parchment in the girlish, loopy script which defined their fruity era when men wore wigs, pantyhose and more silk than a geisha. These suggestions are often called our Constitution. Later, they would add some extra stuff as an afterthought, called "amendments." Sadly, with the exception of the Second one, which states explicitly that each of us is entitled to possess high-powered laser-guided personal sniper cannons capable of taking out worthless pedestrians all across Maryland and Virginia, most of these Amendments were as poorly written as some of the newer Batman comics.

Of all of the Amendments to the Constitution though, none is so flawed and schizophrenic as the First. It starts out promisingly enough, stating "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof." This part means that Jesus Christ is our government-sanctioned Lord and Savior, and that we must lavishly fund faith-based Christian charities and parochial schools with tax dollars harvested from Godless Arabiacs, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists and other atheists. Trouble is, the First Amendment doesn't quit while it's ahead, but goes on to ban laws "abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble." Clearly, the founding fathers were men who not only knew nothing of the realities of war, but had also never spent a few annoying hours surrounded by liberal chatterboxes and anal Congressmen who are always carping about "facts."

And that's why today, at the breathless urging of Attorney General Ashcroft, I am pleased to announce my unconditional and enthusiastic endorsement of the Green Ribbon "Responsibility in Free Speech" Campaign. This fine program, originally conceived and championed by the Godly publishers of such patriotic masterpieces as "I Can See Myself in His Eyeballs" and the Purple Leather-Look™ NIV Adventure Bible, represents an important first step in getting Americans to realize that whoever said "talk is cheap" had never been given a lethal injection after being hauled before a secret treason-tribunal for uttering unwanted criticism of foreign policy.

The Green Ribbon Campaign rightly tells us that the second half of the First Amendment is all well and good – so long as people are "responsible" and mind their – and their neighbors' – tongues. There is an old saying in Texas – I'm sure that it is even a saying here in the predominantly Negro DC area – that "If you don't got something nice to say... well... uh... if you don't got something nice to say... uh... well... you can't get fooled again!" For just as Americans understand full well that it is "responsible" to incarcerate anyone who would shout "fire" in a burning movie theatre, so too must we protect the citizenry from the utter chaos which would result from any public questioning of my administration's divine wisdom during this time of war.

I want to thank the good people of this country in advance for promptly embracing this program with a glassy-eyed zealousness befitting its infinite brilliance. Now, granted, this here green is not such a fabulous shade. I would have preferred that real bright Christmas green – or, better yet, that cool color on American greenbacks. But the damned liberals, who never seem to run out of diseases to cry about, have taken all the best ribbon colors already. Anyway, I appreciate how every last one of you will be wearing green ribbons, tying green ribbons on your trees, weaving green ribbons through your hair, stuffing green ribbons in the mouths of loose-lipped liberals, and displaying green ribbons on your interweb home pages. Together, we can and will win the war against cowardly freedom-hating evil-doers through determined and surgical alterations to the Bill of Rights.

Thank you all - and God Bless America.

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