THE FIRST LADY: Good afternoon, boys and girls. We only have seven or eight minutes here at the Children's Television Workshop before the press pool leaves to get set up at my next stop. So please, gather in close by the cameras and shut up. Very good! Let's begin.

Children, do you know what 'relations' is? It's when a boy places his thingy in your hoo-hoo. Or other places I am too polite to talk about. Now, this is disgusting enough in the context of the holy bonds of a Christian marriage, but is fouler than a plate full of steaming Mexican diarrhea when it occurs to people who are not married. Do you know what happens to people who place unmarried thingies in unmarried hoo-hoos? Well, in our house, they get grounded and lose their tequila privileges for 12 hours! But the Lord has even an more horrible punishment in mind for them.

Like the punishment he's saving for Kami: the all-new AIDS muppet which some hippy CTV cretin thought might a nice addition to your little TV show here. Children, this sad, sick, frightening puppet, who is about to die an agonizing death and won't even remember your little names when he is writhing in agony as Jesus kills him for being so sinful, is Jesus' cuddly little warning to you to keep your knees together until you are in a Christian marriage. Because Jesus loves you, but won't think twice about torturing in Hell anyone who has relations outside of a Christian marriage. This is why all of your adorable little pets are going to die and go to Hell. Remember that cute little bunny we were petting earlier? Well, Mr. Cottontail is going to die soon because rabbits don't last much longer than a liter bottle of Malibu on an average Tuesday night. And because rabbits are notorious for having s-e-x outside of a Christian marriage, the Lord will find a very hot place in Hell to burn his cute little fur off his body so that he will be squealing in horrible pain and wishing he had kept his little rabbit thingy out of all the girl rabbits while he had a chance.

Now, you will note that I am wearing a special defensive mint-green pantsuit designed to protect me from both a thermonuclear attack and folks with AIDS. You, on the other hand, have been breathing the same dank studio air as this disease-riddled puppet while wearing street clothes and are all probably now well on your way to a gruesome, painful death. When your little friends at school and Mommy and Daddy's friends discover that you have AIDS, a lot of tongues will start wagging about the kind of stuff you little people get up to when Mommy and Daddy aren't looking. To save your reputation, I suggest that you take up an intravenous drug habit as soon as possible.

Now, if there is still time, shall we read about Sleeping Beauty? Like how it's hard to look good if all you do is lie on your back all day snoring and don't get woken up all the time by men in black with blaring walkie-talkies who trot you out to a million stupid functions filled with annoying, boring people and their ugly children who you have to be nice to even before your Xanax kicks back in just because they were foolish enough to pay $5,000 for their greasy chicken dinner!

What? We're out of time already? Then let's roll - and somebody get a TAB already.

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