THE PRESIDENT'S IRAQ ULTIMATUM, AS DELIVERED TO THE UNITED NATIONS GENERAL ASSEMBLY
Remarks by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Mr. Secretary General, Mr. President, deluded foreigners, and assembled terrorists: We meet
just over one year after a vicious, heartless attack instilled fear in my countrymen, and helium in my approval ratings.
On September 11th, we cheapened the memories of those murdered that terrible morning in a media circus of emotional
pornography. And today, we turn to the unrelatedly urgent duty of avenging my father's humiliating failure to topple
Saddam Hussein from power.
The United Nations was born out of the ashes of a great and horrible world war. Its founding members had grand dreams
for a dreary modernist headquarters on the banks of the mighty Hudson River, where self-important bureaucrats from around the
world would congregate in a steamy orgy of sycophancy and parking ticket evasion. And they succeeded. Today, looking out over
this sea of openly contemptuous salt-and-pepper faces, most of which can't even speak English, I feel not unlike an elementary school
principal about to be forcibly neutered by a small army of bloodthirsty PTA mothers.
As fellow citizens of the same planet whose climate is not suffering from the liberal myth of the "greenhouse effect,"
we know today that our common access to oil is increasingly challenged by regional conflicts -- ethnic and religious
strife that is ancient, and frankly getting a little old. In the Middle East, true peace will remain difficult to
obtain while so many millions continue to practice the wrong brands of monotheism. America stands committed to independent
states for both the Palestiniacs and Israeloids, with sovereign governments actively promoting faith-based initiatives
which will bring the joy and love of Jesus Christ into the hearts of all. In the meantime, my nation will continue to
provide the rational and level-headed Ariel Sharon with billions of dollars worth of cutting-edge implements of death.
But above all, our common access to Arabiac oil is challenged today by outlaw groups and regimes that have no respect
for the sacred nature of American petrochemical distribution contracts and drilling rights agreements. They embrace
a sickening philosophy which, in correctly calling for the global eradication of separation of religion and state,
errs in acknowledging the existence of the wrong invisible man who lives in the sky - namely, the moon god Allah. These
Muslamics, if left unchecked, will continue to work tirelessly to bring about a world in which white Christian females are
forced into sexual slavery, and the Miss Universe Pageant no longer includes the "Thong Speech" competition. Of
course, our greatest fear is that terrorists will find a shortcut to their mad ambitions when a mustachioed, camel-porking
tin pot dictator supplies them with the technologies to mount the kind of attacks which can and will inflict grievous
political harm on yours truly.
In one place -- in one regime -- we find all these dangers, in their most lethal and aggressive forms, exactly the kind
of threat the United Nations was born to pontificate and posture about. That place is Iraq.
Twelve years ago, Iraq invaded Kuwait without provocation. And the regime's forces were poised to continue their march
to seize other American puppet monarchies and their oil fields. Had Saddam Hussein been appeased instead of stopped,
he would have endangered the peace and stability of the world's oil supply. Yet this aggression was stopped -- by my
daddy and my daddy alone. And Saddam would have been properly assassinated during my father's otherwise totally successful
crusade, had not Colin Powell totally chickened out and high-tailed it back to America for eight cushy years on the
high-priced speaking circuit.
And so when it was all over, Saddam Hussein maintained his grip on power, and all the world pointed their stubby fingers at my daddy
and snickered "sissy." Then, to add insult to injury, the American people themselves engaged in mass sedition - refusing
to be sensible enough to look past their deepening debt, poverty and joblessness to appreciate the fact that their SUV fuel tanks
were brimming with 94 cent 87 octane. Just over one year later, they voted George Herbert Walker Bush out of office,
replacing him with a detestably inspiring intellectual named Bill Clinton. You may have heard of his penis. If not, please join
me in the antechamber after this speech for a four hour crash Powerpoint seminar on the subject - complete with speculative CGI
renderings of the behemoth member.
Last year, the U.N. Commission on Socialite Affairs found that above and beyond having attempted to kill my daddy, Saddam Hussein
continues to commit extremely grave violations of respectitude for him. Citizens of Baghdad have been instructed to use the words "George Bush" as a euphemism for
camel excrement, and digitally altered copies of "JUGS" magazine are widely circulated in which my father's noble mug is superimposed
over the grimacing faces of the spread-eagle stars of "Chubby Chasers IX: Dairy Queen Debutantes."
And so today, I have come here to New York City - a vast urban cesspool of art, ideas, and pinko liberalism that voted
overwhelmingly against me in 2000 (and will doubtless do so again in 2004), to tell you all that the time has come to bring
about regime change in Iraq. The United States is already nearly finished with plans for 2002's second large-scale, unilateral
invasion of a squalid, sun-baked Middle Eastern sand pit. Now it would be nice if some of you would support me on this one. Fortunately, I can back up
my 100% personal motivations for invading Iraq by providing a laundry list of the many UN resolutions (please refer to your
handouts) that Saddam has thwarted with impunity. Like it or not, that list lends an air of legitimacy to my blood lust - never
mind that my administration expressed zero interest in President Hussein until such time as it became clear that Osama bin Laden
and Mullah Omar had escaped free and clear, and scandals surrounding Harken and Halliburton conspired to bring
my approval ratings south of 65%.
Going forward, events can turn in one of two ways: the United Nations can retain a semblance of legitimacy
by not asking questions and getting in line behind me. Or it can stand by, while by heritage and by choice, the
United States of America goes and kicks some serious towel-head ass. And, delegates to the United Nations, you
have the power to appear to support us. I shall close by noting that those of you who do so will continue to enjoy the
privilege of purchasing Grade-A American weaponry at a steep discount - weaponry with which you may one day turn around
and attack us.
Thank you very much. (Applause.)