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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - August 28, 2002 - 9:07 A.M. (EST)

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY DETAILS DIABOLICAL IRAQI SCHEMES NECESSITATING THE WHOLESALE INVASION OF THE ARABIAC WORLD
Press Briefing by the Vice President

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Over the past several days, despicable un-American traitors, including members of the liberal media, along with Congressmen and Senators from both sides of the aisle, have taken conspicuous glee in publicly questioning the wisdom and motives of this administration in its desire to invade and conquer the Middle East - starting with Iraq. And so this morning, to put a stop to this dangerous, effeminate and unpatriotic climate of discussion and contemplation, I am going to throw national security doctrine to the close-to-being-filled-with-mustard-gas wind, and reveal sensitive intelligence about the six nefarious Iraqi plots which require that America waste no time starting to kick serious raghead ass.

SADDAM HUSSEIN'S PLOTS:

  1. CIA operatives are confident that within six months, Saddam Hussein will have purchased most of the world's available cubic zirconium over the Home Shopping Network. He will mount these precious gems on a dish the size of Utah, which will be launched into space and used to bedazzle and blind the entire population of North America.

  2. Top brass at the FBI possesses compelling evidence that Saddam Hussein has already infiltrated a certain software company in Washington State with Islamic Fundamentalist programmers holding positions of encrypting autonomy. These wily, American-looking programmers will fill 99.99% of America's software with subliminal messages, including "Smoke More Unfiltered Cigarettes," "Eat More Saturated Fat" and "Couldn't You Really Go For a Nice Big Snort of Cocaine Right About Now?" This new software will drive Americans to behavior that may not be noticeable at first, but will result in the success of his evil master plan to destroy America!

  3. The General Accounting Office reports that within four months, Saddam Hussein will, through the clever use of shell corporations, take a controlling interest in numerous key American defense contractors. He will then institute dangerous new corporate policies, including disclosure of product failures and pricing with less than quadruple-digit mark-ups. Within a matter of days, there will be no soft money available to elect Republicans and Democrats who support any and all wars and weapon programs, thereby completing Saddam's evil plan to make America peaceful and fiscally responsible.

  4. NASA now believes that within 2 years, Saddam Hussein will have established an Islamic colony on the moon. His first act upon arrival will be to spit at and set fire to the American flag planted by Neil Armstrong. Then, using millions of miles of neon tubing, he will then poison the American nighttime sky with salacious, orbiting messages blinking scurrilous assertions about our president's genitals and mother.

  5. Kurdish operatives report that Saddam's elite Republican Corps of Engineers is nearing completion of a powerful underground hydraulic system, which will be capable of effortlessly submerging the entire nation of Iraq beneath an elaborate facsimile of itself - the latter populated entirely by genetically-engineered doppelgangers of the late Ayatollah Khomeini - all of whom will vehemently denounce the gassing of fluffy little puppy dogs.

  6. A joint investigation by the CIA and Department of Commerce has revealed that by mid-2003, Saddam will have stockpiled half the world's supply of Elizabeth Taylor's White Diamonds perfume. He will then launch canisters of this deadly fragrance from his secret headquarters inside a seemingly active volcano, asphyxiating our nation's capital.
I trust that the release of these terrifying plans will make the populace amenable to our pre-ordained course of action - the wholesale seizure of the earth's most oil-rich lands from the evil, Godless hordes which currently inhabit them - and shut the cake-holes of disloyal busybodies who question the White House. Remember: it is not called playing "Devil's Advocate" for nothing. And we, as a Christian nation, have no time for Lucifer's whining or second-guessing this administration's policies.

No questions.

Thank you, and God Bless America.

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