THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Please be seated. I want to begin by welcoming my esteemed guest back to the White House. I believe it's been just over eighteen years since President and Mrs. Reagan invited Michael Jackson here to renew Nancy's subscription to The Watchtower. Isn't that right, Michael?

MICHAEL JACKSON: Yes, that's correct. Can I interest you in subscribing to the Creator's word, sir?

THE PRESIDENT: I don't think so, NAMBLA Boy. That's not why we're here today. And be warned - if you do start handing out cult leaflets in this White House, you'd better be ready to have that paper-mâché bird beak you call a nose smeared across your face by my Presidential Prayer Squad.

MICHAEL JACKSON: (Giggles.)

THE PRESIDENT: The reason we are here is that the American people are fed up with corporate abuses - and many of them think I have something to do with it. For the first time in ten months, I'm getting hate mail again, and I don't like it.

MICHAEL JACKSON: I've been abused by a corporation.

THE PRESIDENT: I know that. That's the whole reason you're here. So shut up.

Yes, as many of you may have heard through the news media, Mr. Jackson believes himself to be a direct victim of corporate malfeasance. He claims that a corporation has not only wronged him financially in the name of heartless greed, but has also taken shameless glee in doing so on account of his negroidism. Personally, I was not aware that Mr. Jackson was a negro. I thought he was a sodomanian. No matter - he is also an American, and as such is deserving of protection from corporate misdeeds.

MICHAEL JACKSON: Thank you.

THE PRESIDENT: I told you to shut up. This isn't about you.

Now, the corporation in question is Sony, which is of course a Jap outfit. And I have to say, that in all my years in the business world, rarely did I have the displeasure of doing deals with any people more sneaky than the nips. Those little fellas come in all smiles and flashbulbs every time, and then before you know it, they're out the door and you're standing there wearing nothing but a sumo thong and holding a fistful of rotten sushi. Used to make me envy my father that much more - the way he gunned down all those karaoke-singing bastards back in WWII. Which is all to say that I'm inclined to believe Mr. Jackson - even if he does sleep in a bubble boy chamber and allow himself to be anally penetrated by chimpanzees.

Yes, Mr. Jackson has suffered corporate abuses, and I am desperate to create the impression that not only do I care about preventing corporate abuses of all kinds, but that I have never indulged in untold hundreds of them myself. And so today, I am pleased to exploit the notoriety of this child-raping has-been, this middle-aged anorexic man-zombie, to attract even more reporters and cameras than might otherwise have turned out for this, yet another in a string of transparent and shameless PR stunts to diffuse the growing scandal that threatens to unravel my presidency.

MICHAEL JACKSON: (Giggles.)

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you, and God Bless.

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