PRESIDENT ISSUES NEW GUIDELINES FOR CORPORATE ETHICS & RESPONSIBILITY TO HIS ARYAN WALL STREET BRETHREN
Statement by the President to the New York Stock Exchange
THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. It's a pleasure to be here. It's very rare that I get to be in the same room with
so many of my former classmates from Andover, Yale and Harvard. As I stand here, looking out over your freshly-shaved, doughy
faces, Brooks Brothers suits, and immaculately styled hairpieces, I am reminded of how wonderful it is to be white.
(Applause.)
Today, much as it pains me to say it - I'm afraid we're going to have to dispense with our usual routine of swapping
business cards, secret handshakes, and wives. Yes, today I'm here on behalf of the American people - at least the
non-millionaire, non-ivy legacy, non-landed gentry American people who are always getting in the way of our rightful
and deserved progress. Unfortunately, I need to keep those poor morons deluded and happy if our kind are to win the next
election, and at present, they're plenty steamed over the way you boys have been conducting business lately. Now
of course I would love to continue to turn a blind eye to business as usual, much as my daddy for me over my Harken
deal back in '90. But that's just no longer possible. With the collapse of big outfits like Encom and WorldRon, it's
now clear to even the little people that many of you have gone too far, and that if I don't at least give some empty lip
service to reining you in, there's not a snowball's chance in hell that they're ever going to let us privatize Social
Security. And boys, that's the prize. Don't ever forget it. Keep your eyes on it. Because once we get our hands
on that, we're golden. Forever. And as for all the old people who were too dumb and lazy to work hard and invest exclusively
in sure things, well they can bunk in the low-rent, change-your-own-bedpan nursing homes they deserve.
(Applause.)
And so today, in the interest of propagating the illusion that my entire legislative agenda is NOT focused exclusively on
stuffing the wallets of the handful of fine caucasian gentlemen sitting in this room, I want to announce the formation of a Corporate Fraud Task Force.
This financial SWAT team, headed by the Assistant Vice Deputy Attorney General, will grab headlines for several days after
this speech, thereby hopefully rendering my administration impervious to wholly accurate charges of flagrant corporate cronyism.
So watch out, at least for a little while, because they're going to be on the lookout for a few scapegoats to arrest, parade in front the
cameras, convict, and lock up in a golf course prison for 14-16 months while this whole "dirty business" hoo-ha blows over once
and for all. Got it? Get it? Good.
(Applause.)
Thank you, and God Bless.
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