THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Please be seated. Today we mark the 226th birthday of the United States of America. That's old. Even older than some of the lint in my mother's crow's-feet.

(Laughter.)

Last year I spent my first Independence Day as your President in filthy, urine-drenched Philadelphia, with both the economy and my approval ratings in a nosedive. This year, I'm lounging at my parents' gorgeous seaside mansion, and my approval ratings are terrific. As for the economy, well let's just say that we're at war. Never mind that wartime economies are supposed to grow faster than a colored welfare mother living next-door to a Burger King - this is a new kind of war, with a new kind of economizationing. Fortunately, I'm confident that the good people of this great country don't understand or care about these types of things, and so long as Old Glory is waving and towelheads are getting daisy cutter enemas, all is right and good with the world -- and my re-election.

Unfortunately, there are some people out there - namely liberals, Democrats, and other enemies of the state, who are intent on trying to chink my gleaming political armor by droning on and on about so-called "unemployment" and "corporate corruption." In doing so, they shamelessly flaunt their hatred of America and all decent, God-fearing, Republican patriots. That's why today, on the anniversary of America's independence, I want to take a minute to put these domestic evildoers on notice.

Liberals, Democrats, abortionists, ACLUers, intellectuals, artists, wiccans and any and all other thought criminals: By the power vested in me by the constitution of the United States, I hereby declare your Americanism to be in question. And so, on this important holiday, I want to remind you that Independence Day has nothing to do with independent thinking - and that you people had better starting toeing the line, unless you want to find yourself on the receiving end of one of John Ashcroft's signature speculum-and-needlenose-pliers mega body cavity searches. So help you GOD.

In closing, I wanted to remind all true Americans know that our country did not come about by chance. Of course, Jesus Christ himself carved it from the earth in His own image, bulldozing all the heathenish brown-skinned natives into booze-soaked reservations in the process. Which is why today, in Jesus' honor, that we must remain vigilant and tireless in our efforts to identify and suppress any and all un-American activities. Because if we don't, when Jesus inevitably returns, he won't think twice about tossing every last one of us straight down to hell with all those billions of Chinamen, Muslims, Jews and Catholics. So let's take the time to show the Good Lord what America really is: one nation UNDER GOD.

(Applause.)

Thank you, and God Bless.

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