FORMAL STATEMENT BY PRESIDENT BUSH EXPRESSING HIS ETERNAL SUPPORT FOR THE PLEDGES OF ALLEGIANCE
Statement by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Yesterday afternoon, my advisor Andrew Card informed me of a ruling by the Federal 9th Circuit Court of
Appeals which would eliminate the Pledge from public schools. Initially confused, I told him, "So let them use
another furniture polish." It was only then that he explained to me that the court had in fact barred pledges of allegiance.
Well that's when I got mad. And so today, I want the good people of this fabulous nation of ours to know that I, as a brother
in good standing with Delta Kappa Epsilon, wholeheartedly support all pledges of allegiance. Whether
they're submitting to a brutal bare-assed paddling, guzzling a near-fatal quantity of grain alcohol, or bravely competing in a soggy
biscuit competition - it's allegiant pledges who ensure that the venerable institution of the fraternity lives on - along with
its proud and noble traditions. It is for these reasons and many more that we should honor these pledges and welcome them
into our schools with open arms - NOT ban them!
Now we all know that the 9th Circuit Court is in San Francisco - a city where satanic homos swarm around like blowflies on
corn shit, and liberal communists flaunt their hatred of America by daring to question the status quo. In fact, it was with
this in mind that the great Richard Nixon appointed Judge Alfred T. Goodwin to that famously leftist court - hoping to infuse it
with a healthy and much-needed dose of honesty and honor. And to think that this is how Judge Goodwin repays us. President Nixon
(praise be upon him) must be turning over in his platinum Permaseal coffin right now, just pounding on the walls with those
semi-decayed little paws of his like there's just no tomorrow.
Americans can rest assured that this administration will do everything in its power to strike down this foolish and profoundly
un-American and un-fraternal ruling. Speaking as a one-time allegiant pledge myself, I know that we have and will always represent
the future of this nation's white socioeconomic and political might. 85% of Fortune 500 companies are headed by former
allegiant pledges, 85% of Fortune 500 executives are former allegiant pledges, 70% of "Who's Who in America" listees are former
allegiant pledges, and all but 3 United States Presidents since 1928 have been, too. I think the numbers speak for themselves.
In closing, I call on all American pledges who share my views on this matter to form a vast vigilante mob, and to descend
upon the San Francisco Federal courthouse bearing many sharp-edged implements of persuasion, and to... how shall I say it?
Do what needs doing. I'll hand out the pardons as needed when it's all said and done. (Applause.)
Thank you, and God Bless.
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