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For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - June 23, 2002 - 12:47 P.M. (EST)

Statement by the President

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. It's a real pleasure to be here in lovely Tampa, Florida, for the 23rd annual Weight Watchers national convention. I want to thank all of you for dragging yourselves away from the buffet for a minute or two to listen to what I have to say. You know, when the Secret Service first brought me in here, for a second I thought they had messed up and taken me to Sea World, what with Shamu sitting over there and all. But then someone told me that was just Fergie.


Aw, come on now. You folks are big enough to handle some good-natured ribbing, right? Get it, "big enough"?


Alright, fine. Why don't we get down to business then? I'm here today to use you people as a backdrop while I introduce my new health and fitness initiative to the news media. As you "Weight Watchers" may have heard - on those rare occasions when you pull your sickening faces out of your half-gallon tubs of rocky road ice cream - I'm a bit of a jock. Yes, instead of sitting around reading books and thinking all the time, I like to work out - to keep my body toned and fine-tuned into the ultimate governing machine. Hell, I can do a seven minute mile and hardly break a sweat, and in the morning, when I'm flexing naked in front of the full-length mirror, my hulking muscles bulge beneath my creamy white skin like freshly baked loaves of bread.

So you see, I know a thing or two about health and fitness, and that's why I'm heading up this little project to trim down America. Why? That's a difficult question to answer, because as you know, most fat folks such as yourselves tend to be poor. They eat cheap, fatty food, live in cheap, dumpy houses without home gymnasiums and personal trainers, and haul their fat asses around in cheap, crappy Japanese SUVs not even equipped with optional leather and power moon-roofs. Poor and fat - the two types of people I could care less about, all rolled up into big glistening sticky buns with eyes. So why do I care again? Well in the end, it's about me, really. After all, I am the President of this country, and when the rest of the world spends its days laughing about what sweathogs we are, that reflects badly on ME - and I get embarrassed. Besides, it's just disgusting. I mean, it's no wonder those Arabiacs hate our American asses - there's a lot to hate on most of you!

And so today, I want to tell you people how it's going to be going forward, because yours truly didn't accept his Supreme Court installment to be king of the fatties. No sir. That's why I've got a few simple guidelines which I expect every American to adhere to - but most especially morbidly obese Americans such as yourselves.

  1. Exercise every day. That's right, turn off that liberal propaganda-spewing television, pull your hulking mass up out of that Lazy Boy recliner, and move around a little - even if it's just a short walk to the Post Office to send an anthrax hoax to your local abortion clinic.
  2. Eat right. Lay off the fast food restaurants once in awhile. There's plenty of tasty and easy-to-prepare food you can make at home. Just look in your grocer's freezer - you'll find plenty of succulent offerings from many fine GOP-supporting corporations, such as Swanson and Stouffers.
  3. Get preventative screenings. These days, doctors are using all kinds of sophisticated tests to determine whether or not you're due to meet Jesus' daddy sooner rather than later. What? You don't have health insurance to pay for expensive tests? Well don't come crying to me - I'm no pinko socialist.
  4. Go easy on the booze, butts and nose candy. No matter that Mrs. Bush and I have long and colorful histories (which are still being written) with all these substances. You just stay away from them - but no so far away that the tobacco and/or alcohol industries get hurt - because after all, they too work hard to fill my campaign coffers.
And so there you have it. Simple, right? So stick to it, because I'm getting plenty sick and tired of looking at your cascading necks and blubbery, dimpled arm flab. This concludes my remarks on this subject.

Thank you, and God Bless.


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