THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Please be seated. Now as you know, usually I wait three or four days after anything happens in the world before I make a statement. First, my speech writers pull something together by cutting and pasting the juicy bits out of Ann Coulter's latest column, and then Karl pulls out any fancypants college boy words they try to slip in there (and they always do), and then I practice it for a couple days on the teleprompter we keep down by the kegerator in the bowling alley. But today, something has happened which I actually know a lot about, and so I'm going to ditch the regular process and just wing it.

Earlier today, the Supreme Court of the United States, in ruling on Atkins v. Virginia, made a huge mistake in barring capital punishment for retards and mongoloids. Now of course, it's very hard for me to criticize the Supreme Court - what with Al Gore bagging groceries at the A&P these days - but in this case I feel I must. You see, if there's one thing I know, it's wasting retards and mongoloids - especially colored ones. Why, back when I was governor of Texas, I signed execution orders for 152 of them. And let me tell you something - each and every one deserved it. I don't care what those bleeding-heart liberal public defenders said about "forced confessions," "all-white juries," and so-called "DNA evidence." Those vegetards were domestic terrorists who the Good Lord wanted dead, and I sure as hell was going to make sure His will was done. I only regret that I was unable to go down to the jailhouse death chamber and give the lethal injections myself. But of course, as a CEO-style politician, I selflessly delegated the joy and pleasure of shooting fatal doses of agonizingly painful poison into every last one of those worthless, stupid evil-doer retards.

It is for this reason that I am at a loss to explain why the Supreme Court would vote the way they did. And while I thank Justices Rehnquist, Scalia, and Thomas for staying true to form as the court's reigning right-wing triplets, I am terribly disappointed in Justices Kennedy and O'Connor for switching to the Gore team on this one. Truth is though, I'm not too surprised about Sandra Day. I mean, that's what happens when you let a broad start wearing shoes and go out and pretend to be as smart as a man. Makes them all uppity. Well, we'll just see how Ms. O'Connor changes her tune after some lunatic retard sneaks in her window in the middle of the night and decides to treat old Sandy to a little sleepy time golden shower.

And so, I'm confident that I'm speaking for all law-and-order Republicans when I say that it is my sincere hope that very soon, circumstances will bring together another gruesome murder, another retard, and another vigilante-inspired state capital punishment statute which, upon appeal, will worm its way all the way up to SCOTUS - which God willing - will be newly packed with fresh conservative Justices eager to spill the blood of the genetically inferior. And on that day, Governors such as my former self will resume their sacred duty to protect the populace from drooling, babbling shit-for-brains freakos who waste perfectly good oxygen with every moron breath they take.

Thank you, and God Bless.

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