THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. As many of you know, today marks the 30th anniversary of the genesis of the myth of the Watergate break-in, a fictitious non-event concocted by liberal pathological liars to pursue a shameless campaign of distortion and slander against America's greatest president ever (after my daddy and me, of course): Richard Milhous Nixon.

Now for some reason which I am at a loss to explain, this anniversary has also brought with it a torrent of confusion and pointless speculation over the "true" identity of Deep Throat. Well I had heard that Washington was filled with culture-loving Democrat pansy-boys, so never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd need to be dishing out art movie lessons. But here we are, and so today, I wanted to take a few minutes to clear up any confusion on this matter which is so near and dear to my heart.

As any of my good brothers in the Delta Kappa Epsilon fraternity can tell you, "Deep Throat" was known in the real world as the beautiful, talented, and esophageally-endowed Miss Linda Lovelace. This enchanting young spitfire burst into the national consciousness in 1972, as the leading lady of the 62 minute-long masterpiece which bore her pseudonym. Directed by Gerard Damiano, this cinematic triumph explored the excitingly frustrating life of a sassy little filly whose cooter trigger somehow got moved deep down in her throat, so if she wanted to have an organism, she had to go down on fellas with monster tube steaks long enough to catch her sweet spot. Hence "Deep Throat." It also starred Harry Reems, Dolly Sharp, and Carol Connors - not to be confused with Carol O'Connor, who portrayed the great American patriot "Archie Bunker" in a television program made popular the same year.

For me, I'll never forget the first time I saw "Deep Throat." I was riding out the Vietnamese war by learning how to fly obsolete jets in the Texas Air National Guard, and my squadron leader had scored himself an early release print from some squirrelly little Radar O'Reilly creep who ran the requisitions depot. Well, late one night, we broke into the officer's lounge, cracked open five or six handles of Mezcal, and set the projector rolling. Man, could that Linda Lovelace dish out the hummers! Me and the boys was getting so worked up watching her, we just done our business to ourselves right there on the couches. Of course, it wasn't homo that way or anything, on account of we all kept our eyes fixed on her johnson-slurping lips the whole time.

Anyway, I'm sad to report that Linda passed away in a fatal car crash less than two months ago. So to those of you so-called investigative journalists out there who somehow hadn't figured out that she was Deep Throat, and had wanted to interview her, well... you are just shit out of luck.

I hope my remarks today have been useful in helping to enlighten the previously unenlightened.

Thank you, and God Bless.

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