THE ATTORNEY GENERAL: Good afternoon. Thank you for coming. My remarks today are going to be very brief, so let's get started.

As you all know, America is at war with the false religion of Islam, and every last Arabiac who worships its moon god. These people, who already number in the billions and breed like rainbow tail guppies, are a new and hard to detect type of enemy. They are both sneaky and cowardly, posing as civilians as they dress in blankets and infiltrate our great Christian nation by pretending to be harmless immigrants, tourists and students - when in fact they are falafel-eating kamikazes, ready and eager to blow themselves and others into steaming piles of Alpo at the drop of a turban.

Fortunately, our new enemies all share several characteristics: they look different, they talk different, and they pray different. Yes, whether they're shamelessly flaunting their year-round tans, speaking in googly-tongues, or doing the wave while facing the great oil fields of Saudi Arabia, they are giving up their gig, and rest assured that it has not passed the razor-sharp powers of observation shared by my subordinates and me.

And so, having consulted at length with some of the greatest minds in contemporary law enforcement and intelligence, I have instead decided to seek inspiration in the words and deeds of my lifelong hero and imaginary mentor, Mr. J. Edgar Hoover. As such, I am pleased to announce the establishment of a vast nationwide network of government-run "hospitality centers" specially tailored to the likes and needs of the millions of Arabiacs immigrants and tourists currently in America, all of whom are merely pretending to not be terrorists.

At this very moment, an army of local, state and federal law enforcement officers has begun the process of fanning out across our vast and exclusively Christ-abiding land to extend warm and non-refusable invitations to all Arabiacs to come and visit these impressive and occasionally sanitary hospitality stations. I'm confident that, providing they don't resist, the Muslim infiltrators will enjoy their stays at these spa-like stations. They'll luxuriate as trained finger masseuses pamper them with moisturizing inks, noted photographers capture every angle of their noble profiles, and trained sympathetic counselors take the time to really listen to their deepest thoughts and feelings. All this while being safely protected by scores of heavily armed and trigger-happy ATF agents.

I trust that not only will the Arabiac community embrace this new initiative with open arms and hot tears of joy, but that all real Americans, who have been rendered sufficiently paranoid by recent events, will stand behind me in this, my latest foray into the fringe of xenophobic totalitarianism.

Thank you all, and God Bless Jesus Christ the Son of the One and Only True God Who Isn't a Moon Poltergeist Called Allah.

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