PRESIDENT'S STATEMENT ON MEDICARE POLICY, AS DELIVERED TO RESIDENTS OF THE HEMLOCK FARMS DISCOUNT ELDERCARE FACILITY
Statement by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. It's great to be back in Florida. And it's a real pleasure to be here at the Hemlock
Farms Eldercare Facility, looking out over so many dazed and toothless faces. Now I know it's hard to hear
me over the creaking of wheelchairs and raspy din of the second-hand respirators which keep you clinging to your
spent and empty lives, but I wanted to take a few minutes to talk at all of you about my plans for Medicare.
As you know, Medicare is one of the few remaining pieces of pork barrel legislation passed by the closet Socialist
Lyndon Baines Johnson as part of his so-called "Great Society" initiatives of the mid-1960's. Now sure, Johnson may have been
from Texas (and had the longhorn in his pants to prove it), but at the end of the day, he was just another
bleeding heart liberal - never mind that he had the patriotic balls to send thousands of American boys off to Vietnam
to die gruesomely in a war he knew was hopelessly unwinnable.
Today, I'm here in front of all these television cameras to impart the impression that
my administration is not doing everything in its power to completely eradicate Johnson's time-tested Medicare program and replace it with
a system that will line the pockets of my pals in the insurance industry and put your Truman-voting asses six feet under
in crushing medical bills.
Now I understand how popular Medicare is with poor seniors like yourselves. It's like another chunk of Social Security,
except earmarked for doctors with lousy Bahamanian medical degrees who suckle at the Federal cash teat by poking and prodding at
those walking corpses you call bodies. Makes you wonder why old LBJ didn't just combine Medicare and Social Security
into one program called "Fat Handouts for Lazy Old People Who Were Too Stupid to Invest Enough Money From Their Lucrative White
Collar Jobs to Retire Comfortably Without Begging for Help Like Some Brandy-Soaked Hobo." But that's another issue.
For far too long, my enemies in the Democratic party have used the issue of Medicare as a vehicle to
disseminate the truism that Republicans really couldn't care less whether you people live or die, on account of you're
all too poor to contribute to our campaigns - and even if you did, you're far too decrepit and sickly to get to the
polls on election day. Well just let me say one thing: it is important to me that people not believe this. I mean, we
know there's not going to be any butterfly ballots down here in 2004, and that's why we need as many of you on our side as
we can get. And so I want each of you to take it to heart when I say I honestly think of you as so much more than just digestive
systems on legs, and that I would never exploit your collective snowballing senility by assuring you that I will not do all of
those wildly destructive things to your healthcare plan which I'm actually secretly planning to do.
(Scattered feeble applause.)
Thank you all for listening. Please give my best to the big guy upstairs. You'll all be seeing him sooner than you think.