THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. I've decided to take a few minutes off from my demanding regimen of delegating, prayer and jogging to address the growing chorus of Democrats and liberal journalists who are suggesting that the September 11th terrorist attacks might have been avoided had I been paying attention when a certain intelligence report was read aloud to me back in August. Not only is this suggestion a pathetic and desperately partisan attempt to chink my gleaming and impenetrable political armor, it is also patently false. I was listening. I remember it clearly. It was just after lunch, and Condi was talking about Osama bin Laden. Thing is, she had this little piece of spinach caught in her teeth up by the gum line, and I couldn't decide whether or not I should interrupt and let her know. Because on one hand, she would probably be grateful to know, but Dick and Karen were in the room too, and if I had said something out loud, she would have been humiliated, and then it would have turned in to one of those "white man bringing the colored lady down" situations, which was really the last thing in the world I wanted to do, because, you know, Condi's super smart. And God knows, I need as many smart people around me as I can get. I mean remember, this was August - back when my approval rating was at 45% and sinking like a stone. Anyway, I didn't want to say anything, so I started doing this little thing where every time we made eye contact, I would kind of motion towards my own teeth and wiggle my eyebrows. I kept doing it for the whole hour, too. But she never caught on. Just gave me funny looks and kept talking on and on about Allah-loving camel jockeys and 747's.

Anyway, it's not like it should have been up to me to stop those attacks. The Washington Post is now reporting that Bill Clinton got a report way back in 1999 that also talked about Osama bin Laden and hijacked planes. So blame it on him. Never mind, of course, that he actually did launch an attack to try to shut down Al Qaeda, but that the GOP-controlled Congress ridiculed him. And never mind that my own daddy - during his many years as President, Vice President and Director of the CIA - received untold thousands of warnings about all kinds of dangerous things, and that lots of them ended up happening. No, never mind all of that. Because at this moment, I have the upper hand in this juvenile blame game, and so I'm going to ride it for all it's worth, because to do otherwise would verge on admirable.

In closing, I'd like to remind Americans that not only did Bill Clinton receive terrorist warnings years before I did, but he also porked that fat Jewish intern. Porked her repeatedly. Porked her in the Oval Office, Porked her in the mouth. Again and again. Quick and dirty. And all the while, the unprecedented era of peace and prosperity he created raged on. I think that speaks for itself.

Thank you. No questions, please.

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