THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. As you know, yesterday saw the arrival of former President James Earl "Jimmy" Carter on Cuban soil. Mr. Carter is the first current or former president to formally declare his Communism by visiting this rum-soaked pinko Gomorrah since before 1959, the year Fidel Castro went and seized all property from the paltry 2% of Cubans who weren't too lazy to drag their asses out of bed in the morning and build vast fortunes on the blood, sweat and tears of their useless, cha-cha-dancing countrymen. And so today, for the second time in as many months, it falls to me to reveal the truthful details about reprehensible acts committed by America's 39th President.

As everyone is painfully aware, Jimmy has a hard-on for Cuba that spans multiple decades. Why, back in 1980, he was already so desperate to drop his cashmere cardigan-wearing Mr. Rogers routine and go consort with Havana's Marxist lowlifes, he invited them all to America! And come they did - every last murderer, poet, rapist, and loudmouth liberal island homo those jungle commies had churned out over the previous twenty years - all packed into a feces-scented flotilla of decrepit non-yachts and intent on driving every last regular, blue-eyed American out of Miami. And you know what? They succeeded, too. Changed the whole face of southern Florida and made it so my brother Jeb couldn't get elected there unless he married himself a chicana gold-digger. So thanks, Jimmy! You single-handedly introduced sparkle lip gloss to the Kennebunkport Thanksgiving table. I hope you'll remember that and choke on it when you're sipping Hemingway daiquiris under a Vladimir Lenin statue!

Of course, what is much more important and worrisome than the fact that President Carter has humiliated himself and his nation by converting to Communism is the possibility that his inherently treasonous activities in Cuba may nevertheless be spun by the liberal-controlled American media as a diplomatic triumph, which when contrasted to the never-ending string of major foreign relations blunders committed by the current administration over the last fourteen months, will make yours truly look plenty retarded. It is for this reason that today, in addition to leaking "intelligence" reports that impoverished Cuba is producing biological weapons, I am announcing the revocation of President Carter's citizenship, and ordering that his return flight be rerouted to Camp X-Ray, where he will be thoroughly debriefed and schooled in the ways of 21st century patriotism. We'll see if Mr. Peanut is still flashing his gee-whiz, peach-breath, buck-tooth smile after that!

No questions, please.

Thank you, and God Bless.

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