THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Today I want to talk to the good people of this nation about something that is absolutely positively not related to me, my administration, or the very foundations of the Republican Party's power structure. As you may have hopefully not heard, the liberal smartypants at the Jew York Times have been making a fuss over a musty old pile of Enron spreadsheets and memos filled with long numbers and big words and all manner of totally incomprehensible gibberish which don't have anything to do with anything, but which they're saying proves that my closest and most generous supporters are in fact the most shameless crooks in history.

Of course, I know that most Americans think that Enron is just the first name of that guy who wrote about the space lizards that John Travolta worships. If that describes you, then you can stop listening now, and change the channel back to Judge Mills Lane or Access Hollywood.

For the remaining four percent of you, though it would seem utterly unnecessary, I wanted to take a minute to issue an urgent appeal. Please, in the interest of your own preserved contentment, I urge you to continue bravely forward on your current course of complete apathy towards any and all of the countless boring, unimaginably complicated details of the ongoing Enron criminal debacle.

Going forward, there will be those who will continue to attempt to draw your attention to the hundreds of highly suspicious connections between my administration and the many cheats, liars and criminals who made up Enron. They will huff and puff and point at boring complicated papers which clearly illustrate criminal intent and try to blow my White House down. But in the end, they will fail. And do you know why? Because nobody got a big juicy hummer from a porky little intern, that's why. And unless somebody is spilling seed into some hole they shouldn't be, I know plenty well that nobody in this country could give a damn - especially if they're pugilistic moralizing Congressmen or sex-and-violence-obsessed media vultures.

So let me repeat it one last time - all criminal wrongdoing related to Enron, whether it be the totally boring crimes we know of already, or other, more complicated, democracy-rattling crimes which may never see the light of day so long as certain people can just keep their fucking mouths shut for six more years - is now and will continue to be worthy of your most profound and determined apathy. Yesterday and today. Today and tomorrow. Tomorrow and forever. That is all.

Thank you all, and God Bless.

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